Today, is bittersweet. Today was my original due date for my January pregnancy. Part of me is sad about a life lost, but more then anything I am happy about the life that is growing.
On Tuesday, we went in for our ultrasound and appointment and everything looked perfect. We saw a strong heartbeat (174), kicking arms and legs and a baby that was measuring just like it should. It was a beautiful thing. The ultrasound tech took lots of pictures and even gave us a disc with photos and videos.
When we got back we finally shared the news with close friends and family. It was so surreal to tell people what was going on. My friends, who know about January, were really excited. I've gotten lots of texts and emails just letting me know how they are so happy for us. Eric's mom and grandma seemed happy too. Even my brother was excited and wanted to see the video from the ultrasound. It was so crazy to finally be telling people. It made it all so much more real to share the news.
Today, we also leave for our European vacation. It will be a nice to go away and have one more hoorah.
So while there is some bitter today, its thankfully overshadowed by the sweet.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Tomorrow
Tomorrow we go back to the doctor to get another look at our baby. I should be 11 weeks and 3 days tomorrow.
I'm nervous, anxious, excited and scared at the same time.
The throwing up, exhaustion and growing belly would all suggest things are going as they should. But there is still that part of me that is unsure. It's that same part that doesn't trust my own body and thinks it could once again be playing tricks on me.
Hopefully the appointment goes well and I'll finally allow myself to get a bellyband, break out the other bra and finally let this all soak in. Two days later we leave for Europe so a good doctors appointment is crucial for our trip. I want to enjoy our time there and remember as "the last big trip before we had kids".
Adding to the pressure of a positive doctors appointment is that my childhood best friend is due in May. Our moms are still best friends and I don't think I could handle another friend having a baby right around the time I was supposed to. It's selfish sure. but dealing with it once has been hard enough. I came out strong from it but don't want to do it again.
Tomorrow morning can't come soon enough at this point. I've been counting down the days for weeks and think about it constantly. I'm trying to get past the what ifs and negative thoughts.
Tomorrow, will be a good day.
I'm nervous, anxious, excited and scared at the same time.
The throwing up, exhaustion and growing belly would all suggest things are going as they should. But there is still that part of me that is unsure. It's that same part that doesn't trust my own body and thinks it could once again be playing tricks on me.
Hopefully the appointment goes well and I'll finally allow myself to get a bellyband, break out the other bra and finally let this all soak in. Two days later we leave for Europe so a good doctors appointment is crucial for our trip. I want to enjoy our time there and remember as "the last big trip before we had kids".
Adding to the pressure of a positive doctors appointment is that my childhood best friend is due in May. Our moms are still best friends and I don't think I could handle another friend having a baby right around the time I was supposed to. It's selfish sure. but dealing with it once has been hard enough. I came out strong from it but don't want to do it again.
Tomorrow morning can't come soon enough at this point. I've been counting down the days for weeks and think about it constantly. I'm trying to get past the what ifs and negative thoughts.
Tomorrow, will be a good day.
Friday, September 13, 2013
9w6d
On February 26, 2013 I went to my first doctor's appointment thinking I was 9 weeks and 6 days. It was raining and we had to wait over 45 minutes to be seen. At one point the power even flickered.
We should have left right then.
Once in the room, a picture of our baby was up on the big screen. I was so excited to actually be seeing our little been. As the ultrasound tech was taking measurements I noticed it was measuring 8 weeks 2 days. It seemed off but I was still optimistic. After a few minutes she told us she needed to call in the doctor because she couldn't find a heartbeat.
Those were some of the longest five minutes of my life.
After the doctor confirmed there was no heartbeat, I sobbed. Still half undressed (in a sweater I've since donated) I sobbed and sobbed. I looked at Eric, I looked at the screen. How did this happen?
Sometimes, I still have a hard time thinking that we've been through that. That that happened to us. February 26th (and 28th) will always hold a different meaning to me now.
Being 9 weeks 6 days also has a new meaning to me.
The worry that things won't go right again and that when I show up in two weeks for my appointment, I'll have the same news. I want that thought to be gone so very badly.
In my heart, I think things are different this time. My body is changing in ways it didn't before. The morning sickness was also comforting. I say was because for the past two days I haven't thrown up (which is only fueling my anxiety). And then there are the not so comforting things, sometimes I worry I have cramps, some nights I have dreams where I have blood in my underwear.
Today, I can't help but to just feel slightly uneasy. Hopefully tomorrow is better and the tomorrows after even better then before.
We should have left right then.
Once in the room, a picture of our baby was up on the big screen. I was so excited to actually be seeing our little been. As the ultrasound tech was taking measurements I noticed it was measuring 8 weeks 2 days. It seemed off but I was still optimistic. After a few minutes she told us she needed to call in the doctor because she couldn't find a heartbeat.
Those were some of the longest five minutes of my life.
After the doctor confirmed there was no heartbeat, I sobbed. Still half undressed (in a sweater I've since donated) I sobbed and sobbed. I looked at Eric, I looked at the screen. How did this happen?
Sometimes, I still have a hard time thinking that we've been through that. That that happened to us. February 26th (and 28th) will always hold a different meaning to me now.
Being 9 weeks 6 days also has a new meaning to me.
The worry that things won't go right again and that when I show up in two weeks for my appointment, I'll have the same news. I want that thought to be gone so very badly.
In my heart, I think things are different this time. My body is changing in ways it didn't before. The morning sickness was also comforting. I say was because for the past two days I haven't thrown up (which is only fueling my anxiety). And then there are the not so comforting things, sometimes I worry I have cramps, some nights I have dreams where I have blood in my underwear.
Today, I can't help but to just feel slightly uneasy. Hopefully tomorrow is better and the tomorrows after even better then before.
Monday, September 9, 2013
9w2d
So a week has passed since we heard the heartbeat and so far, I think things are going well. I've been really sick this past week which is comforting in some odd way. On Wednesday of last week, I could barely get out of bed. Everything I ate came right back up. Friday night was also pretty bad (I learned the hard way that seafood is no longer my friend).
I swear I see a little bump forming and many of my pants are getting hard to button.
Even though all signs seems to be pointing to a healthy pregnancy I still have some worries. In February it wasn't until later this week we found out something was wrong. The idea that my body could still fail me haunts me. Last night I had a dream I saw blood in my underwear, but in my dream I assured myself the doctor said that was okay (which it probably isn't).
So for now, I don't really know what to expect. I'm going to try to stay optimistic and hope that my body has it figured out this time.
I swear I see a little bump forming and many of my pants are getting hard to button.
Even though all signs seems to be pointing to a healthy pregnancy I still have some worries. In February it wasn't until later this week we found out something was wrong. The idea that my body could still fail me haunts me. Last night I had a dream I saw blood in my underwear, but in my dream I assured myself the doctor said that was okay (which it probably isn't).
So for now, I don't really know what to expect. I'm going to try to stay optimistic and hope that my body has it figured out this time.
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