We Heard A Heartbeat

Yesterday, we heard the heartbeat. We could see it right away and the ultrasound tech found it right away. It was loud and clear and made me cry with tears of joy.

Finding the heartbeat was great and such a relief. Of course, I started to worry when she told us it was measuring 7w1d (where I should be 7w6d). Both the doctor and ultrasound tech assured me this was okay and that measurements could be off by up to a week. The ultrasound tech even came back to tell us after our appointment with the doctor that she went and checked everything vs my last ultrasound and that everything was looking great and on target and that we should be "beaming'.

We go again in 3.5 weeks, two days before we leave for Europe. Hopefully, that will be the final validation that I need.

7w6d

Today, is the moment of truth. Today, I go in for my 8 week check-up and by now they should be able to see a heartbeat. I'm so nervous/excited/anxious.

Part of me has a feeling that everything will be okay, I've been throwing up a lot and I swear I see a little bump starting to form (my mom asked if it was from all my snacking). Part of me is also worried that this won't be the consolation I need because last time the fetus stopped growing at 8w2d. I have no idea if they would be able to tell that something was wrong last time, and so that fear is still with me. I don't think until I have a baby in my arms that the feeling of uncertainty will go away.

Besides writing this, I've made a point to make myself busy today. I've "saved" errands for this morning and afternoon so that I have to keep my mind off of things (the appointment is at 1). We also have friends coming in town tonight, so the prep of getting ready for them has been a nice distraction.

My mom is also anxiously awaiting because she wants to be able to tell her best friends. Yesterday, I finally told her about the chemical pregnancy is June. She kept on making comments about how "she never knew it was so hard to pregnant". So, I told her, well for me it's not. This is my third time being pregnant this year and it's only August. Although I didn't want to let her in on that little part of our lives, it shut her up and I think gave her a little more understanding as to why Eric and I are so guarded about everything.

Time to make myself busy!

7w2d

Well, morning/all day sickness has arrived! Last week, I threw up for the first time. I haven't stopped since then. Most of the time it starts out in the morning, and I throw up a couple of times, then I throw up again either in the afternoon or evening.

All this sickness has me thinking that this time really will be different. In January/February I felt great and never got sick. I've been a pukey person all my life so this should have been a giant red flag. I just thought I was one of those people who "felt great" the whole time. So while I don't love the feeling that I think Im going to constantly yak, it is somewhat comforting to know things are different. That and well my boobs, I need a bigger bra for sure. I'm waiting until Friday to go get that.

On Friday, we go for our next ultrasound. Hopefully, we will see something we haven't seen before, a heartbeat. If there isn't one, I don't think I'll ever trust my body again.

I'm being optimistic that there will be though. I've picked out maternity pants (not bought any yet) and am thinking about that new bra. Pants that were big on me earlier this summer, are getting tighter (thanks to being so bloated). Thank goodness I didn't get rid of any of my "fat kid clothes" from last year.

I'm also hoping Friday goes well because we have friends coming in town that night. If things go well we will tell them the good news, if they don't well, they might not want to be around me.  Eric is also really nervous, the mention of the ultrasound is enough to make him anxious.

Worrying won't help though so for now, I just have to stay positive.

6w3d

As far as I can tell things seemed to still be going right along with this pregnancy. My boobs are huge (and often hurt), I'm tired, frequently get hungry and have had a couple waves of naseaus.

It still worries me that in January/February my body didn't know that I had miscarried, the fear of that happening again is pretty real to me and something I find myself worrying about. Most nights I wake up 2-3 times to pee, the nights I only wake up once, I worry that something is wrong. Usually, though the next night the frequent urination starts again.

I told my mom on Sunday that she doesn't need to call everyday to see how I am feeling, because that will only drive me crazy. I didn't hear from her yesterday, so that was a start. I know she means well, but it's a lot.

Honestly, I'm just trying not to think about it too much. Although it's real, I don't think it will feel really real until we see a heartbeat in a week and half. Then, I think I can start to really wrap my head around this.

First Doctor's Appointment

Today, I had my first doctor's appointment.  I was so nervous going into it. I went to my new doctor's office and liked it much better from the start. They didn't have tons of people waiting to be seen, and the decor was fresher. We waited about 10 minutes and then a friendly nurse came in, she went over everything that would be happening that day. Another 5-10 minutes later the doctor came in and went over history and what to expect. Everything was very positive.

At the ultrasound, the doctor came in the room with us to explain what they were seeing, what was so refreshing. She answered questions we had and most importantly said everything was measuring well. It was too early to see a heartbeat or fetal pole, but she explained beforehand that that might be the case. I go back in two weeks to see everything again. The doctor seemed happy with how things were going, said my numbers looked good and everything measured how it should.

After the doctor I called my mom. She had been sitting by the phone and was very anxious.  While I understand this is nerve wrecking for her. I don't think she understands that when she says that to me and makes it all about her, it doesn't sit well with me.

Earlier, I told her she could  tell her two best friends after I went to the doctor. She asked about it again today and since Eric was in the car I asked him about it. He said "not yet". He's still upset that she told so many people after the first miscarriage. Eric basically told no one about it, I told a handful of close friends and my mom told probably 10  people. She had a "reason" she had to tell everyone but still, Eric really didn't like it. I understand why. He's a private person. My mom told not only her best friends but also several neighbors and people I don't even know.

Hopefully this time we wont have any need to worry about that.

5w3d

Today, I am 5 weeks and 3 days. In June I miscarried at 5 weeks 2 days, so the sight of no blood has me feeling better. I still don't trust my body 100% but my numbers last week doubled and my progesterone was in the 40s. All good things.

For the most part I feel pretty good. I can tell exactly when 8pm hits because I am exhausted. I usually can't fall asleep, but my eyelids starts to sting. I've also been really hungry. Like, I need several snacks a day and finally, I'm so gassy. I wake up in the middle of the night with awful gas pains (I got scared two nights ago thinking it was a cramp). but its literally just the worst gas/constipation ever.  Last night, I laid on the bathroom floor because I the cold tile was the only thing that sounded appealing.

Since I have been feeling good, I decided to tell my mom yesterday. She was excited but said she "knew" because I had been in a good mood and my face just looks different. Even though they "knew" my mom had ordered a book on fertility on Friday and was planning on giving it to me this week. I'm so glad that didn't happen. I told my dad that should teach them to mind their own business and he said, "this is our business". I wonder if they would feel differently if they knew about the June mc.

On Friday, I go to my first doctor's appointment. I actually decided to switch practices this time too. It's a decision Eric had been rooting for since the first m/c. The final push was that I called to schedule my 6 week appointment (which I've been told by both the doctor and nurses that I would have) and they didn't have anything available. So, the receptionist called back and said that she talked to my doctor and because the numbers were "so good" that she didn't need to see me until 8 weeks. I wasn't happy with this cop out answer and called another practice that my neighbor and friend go to and got in right away. I know there probably isn't a whole lot the doctor can do this early on, and that we might not even be able to see anything but it made me feel better that I will be seen. I'll be a nervous wreck on Friday for sure.

Today

Today, I go in for my second blood drawing and by this afternoon I'll know if I have a viable pregnancy. To say I'm nervous is an understatement. Everything still feels like it should but, I've also started to trust my body less over the past year.

Yesterday, while shopping with my best friend who is due two weeks after my original due date (Pact Friend) I told her about the good news. She cried, and was so excited. She knows this hasn't been easy and I know she is genuinely happy. I'll be out of the first trimester the around the same day as her due date.

Last night we also went to dinner with my parents. I didn't tell them. Part of me feels guilty and part of me wanted to know for sure before saying anything. Plus, my mom has a tendency (although well meaning) to drive me crazy. I'm already nervous and stressed enough and don't want the extra pressure.

I know my mom will be mad we didn't tell her right away but hopefully my dad can explain it to her and calm her down. For now though, I'm just hoping I have something to tell her :)

Nerves

Yesterday, I went and had my blood drawn, tomorrow I go again to see if the numbers doubled. Even though the test lines were much darker this time, the fear of if not being a viable pregnancy are still haunting me. Until recently, I never knew that this is something I had to worry about. I thought you took a test, it came back positive and 9 months later you have a baby.

I've been proved wrong on that twice now.

I know it wouldn't matter and I need to be patient, but I am so tempted to call my doctor to see what my hcg and progesterone number was yesterday. Last time, my first draw was a 17 and my second was a 13.

I need to remind myself that I need to stop thinking about last time. Or the time before that. This is a new pregnancy and a new life. What happened before shouldn't matter.

Tomorrow afternoon, I hope I can breathe a little sigh of relief, as long as the numbers come back like they are supposed to. Then on to the ultasounds.  I don't think I'll stop being nervous until I have a baby in my arms (and then it will be a new type of nerves). Even Eric said that's how he feels. He can be Mr. Optimism, but our history can make even him nervous.

I don't know if I could handle a third loss in a year. Well, I am sure I could handle it but I would be a mess. Something seemed slightly off from the beginning in the June pregnancy so I am trying to not even count that one. I didn't get as emotionally attached that time. I'm trying to hold off the emotions on this one until I hear my numbers, but I can't help myself.  Maybe it's because I know that if something happens this time, we will start to do testing, and that's scary. I also know that if something happens we need to take a few months off. This is emotionally exhausting a draining.  

Breathe. Just Breathe. Everything will be okay.

Third TIme Is a Charm?

Well, for the third time in 2013 I got a positive pregnancy test this morning.  This morning was a lot like the one in January, the two lines came up right away and were dark (in June it was a light second line).

I'm so excited yet nervous at the same time. I called this morning to schedule blood work for today and once  those numbers look good, I'll schedule my first appointment. Cancelling appointments is no fun so I'd rather wait to make it.

Of course I've already started to worry about when I should tell my parents. We told them the day we found out in January. This time, I think we will wait a little longer (although I know my mom is anxiously awaiting to hear).

I can't help myself but to jump ahead and think about how far a long I will be at certain points in the upcoming year. I know I shouldn't do that but I can't help myself. I have to go about this thinking and knowing that this time will be different. It has to be.

I made it through.

This weekend, I made it through the seemingly impossible--- two baby showers, and visit with a pregnant friend and a baby.

The first shower was the more difficult of the two. It was for a friend due three days after I was supposed to be. The only other two friends of ours that came were two of my friends that are pregnant. I walked in with two big bumps and the baby talk and what's gone on in each of their pregnancies was the major topic of discussion.

The visit to see the friend's baby wasn't bad at all. The mom had a miscarriage and knows all my story and seeing her baby gives me hope.

The visit to see the pregnant friend was probably the second most difficult. She and her husband got pregnant right away and her bump although only 16 weeks along was already showing. She also volunteered to have me host her shower. At one point she complained about her belly band but she caught herself right away. She knows what happened but not the whole history.

Sunday's shower was another one filled with pregnant girls. I was so busy hosting at that one that I didn't have time to be upset.

I had a fear that my AF would come during the shower and I wasn't quite sure how I would be able to cope. Luckily, it didn't (and still hasn't).

Maybe why all these events weren't that bad (and no tears were shed) was because I'm optimistic that I could be pregnant too. I'll probably take a test tomorrow and we'll see what happens.

But for now, I made it though, something a few months ago I'm not sure would have been possible.

August

Today, is August 1st, next month I was supposed to be having a baby but obviously I am not.  Overall, I've been in a pretty good place emotionally recently. I've been up beat and relaxed.

This weekend, will be a true test of just how stable I am feeling. I have a baby shower Saturday morning for a friend due September 29th (three days after I was supposed to be) and I am hosting a shower for my best friend that is due two weeks after I was on Sunday. And if that wasn't enough, in between these two showers I am having dinner with a friend who just announced that she is pregnant. It's like I am glutton for punishment.

Luckily, I am at the end of my cycle right now and waiting to take a hpt next week. The end of my cycle is always a better time for because there is a chance I could be pregnant. If AF decides to show up this weekend instead well then, it could be all over for me. And although the thought of being pregnant excites me, I also know that there is a lot more after that I'll need to face. Getting pregnant is one hurdle, staying pregnant will be much a bigger hurdle.

Part of me wants to take a hpt on Saturday morning before I go to all these showers. A positive would be a relief, a negative would be a heartbreak. I know in my heart though that I need to wait until Wednesday, a day after my AF is supposed to start. I'm going to try my best to hold out for that day.

I feel like I've said this for way too many months now but... here's to August!