On Friday as I was driving to accupunture I came to a conclusion I've needed to come to for awhile. I'm going to calm down.
This cycle I've already noticed a more relaxed attitude but I'm doing a couple things differently, no alcohol, no tylenol or other medications and drinking this special water my mom brought me. I used ovulation sticks but I didn't pee on them multiple times a day. Just first thing when I get up. I've had positive ovulation strips the past two days and I plan on testing in the morning still just to see how long it lasts (more out of curiosity).
One of the things that has helped me relax is we booked a trip to Europe for September. We leave the day I would have been due. It will be a very welcome distraction.
Lately, I've spent so much time looking at hotels and things to do in Europe that I haven't had time to think about getting pregnant and it's been really nice. If I do get pregnant this cycle I'll be 16 weeks in Europe. My number one wish is that, that does indeed happen but if it doesn't I need to stay positive and remember that's okay too. I'd love to not drink French wine but if I have a glass because I can, then that's okay too.
I feel like booking this last trip is our send-off. We always said we wanted to go to Europe again (and planned on going this summer or for our 5 year anniversary next year). Hopefully next year we will have a little one and getting to Europe will be a little harder. So, while I won't be having a baby in September I will be getting a pretty good second prize (with the first hopefully coming a few months later).
So next cycle (if there is one), I'm not using ovulation sticks (I've pretty much figured out when that happens), I'm not going to drink special waters or teas, I'm just going to let it happen. One of the reasons I may feel so confident is that I don't think there is going to be another cycle. I really don't. Last month was stressful, and the one before that was too. This month, I'm in a better mood (thanks in part to accupunture) and I'm looking forward to things ahead. This is a good month.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
What If I Was One of Those Women?
Last night we had really really bad thunderstorms. Our dog was shaking in the closet so I went in there to sleep with him. The thunder was loud and the closet is small so of course I got to thinking.
What would life be like if I was one of those women that pregnancy came easy for? What if I was like my mom or several of my friends who "just got pregnant"? How would my life and perspective be different? And why was I one of the chosen ones that didn't get to know that feeling? In a million years I never thought I'd be going through what I am going through right now.
I never thought I'd be one of "those women" who peed on ovulation sticks and joined baby center boards.
I never thought Eric and I would race around town every month near ovulation time looking for oysters (they have the most zinc and are a fertility food).
I never thought we'd be eating pumpkin seeds, downing pomegranate juice and drinking conception tea.
I never thought my mom would send me an email about some water I needed to try because several people got pregnant while drinking it.
I never thought I'd be going to acupuncture and having herbs burned on my stomach.
I never thought I would go through any of this. I thought by now I'd be picking out nursery furniture and awaiting my baby showers. I thought I'd be fat and happy.
This has been a shock to the system on me. A total reset on how I think about life and they way things work.
As I laid there holding my shaking dog, I thought about what it will be like to feel a baby inside me and then to hold that baby when they are scared. I long for the feeling often.
Someday I hope to appreciate why this happened to me and why getting pregnant again didn't come as easy as the first time.
Until then, I just need to be hopeful that I will indeed know that feeling soon.
What would life be like if I was one of those women that pregnancy came easy for? What if I was like my mom or several of my friends who "just got pregnant"? How would my life and perspective be different? And why was I one of the chosen ones that didn't get to know that feeling? In a million years I never thought I'd be going through what I am going through right now.
I never thought I'd be one of "those women" who peed on ovulation sticks and joined baby center boards.
I never thought Eric and I would race around town every month near ovulation time looking for oysters (they have the most zinc and are a fertility food).
I never thought we'd be eating pumpkin seeds, downing pomegranate juice and drinking conception tea.
I never thought my mom would send me an email about some water I needed to try because several people got pregnant while drinking it.
I never thought I'd be going to acupuncture and having herbs burned on my stomach.
I never thought I would go through any of this. I thought by now I'd be picking out nursery furniture and awaiting my baby showers. I thought I'd be fat and happy.
This has been a shock to the system on me. A total reset on how I think about life and they way things work.
As I laid there holding my shaking dog, I thought about what it will be like to feel a baby inside me and then to hold that baby when they are scared. I long for the feeling often.
Someday I hope to appreciate why this happened to me and why getting pregnant again didn't come as easy as the first time.
Until then, I just need to be hopeful that I will indeed know that feeling soon.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Father's Day
Today, is Father's Day and once again we aren't celebrating. Well, we are celebrating with my dad but not with Eric. If this last one had stuck we'd be almost 7 weeks along. Instead, I'm peeing on sticks and hoping for the best for next month.
I still have hope that next year will be Eric's first father's day. We will celebrate with a newborn and the memories of the struggle to get there will be behind us. I know my body can do this. I just know it can.
Last night we were at a wedding and this woman who was probably 30 weeks along was dancing up a storm. She had so much energy and looked fantastic. Eric was memorized by her (as were a lot of people). And I found myself getting jealous of her. Someone, I had no idea who she was but that she was pregnant and so full of life. Then he said, "I need to take a picture of this".
I held it together.
And even though I know he didn't mean any harm, I just told him that we don't need pictures of random pregnant women.
I think he understood.
This whole struggle has been really hard on me/us. I'm surrounded by it now matter where I turn.
Last night before the wedding I had one drink and I had another once I got there. Since alcohol really intensifies my emotions I think it's best that I stay away from it. If I had a couple drinks in me when Eric said he wanted to take that picture I might have lost it. And that wouldn't have been good.
So, today on Father's Day I need to remember that our mother's and father's day will come soon and celebrate that.
I still have hope that next year will be Eric's first father's day. We will celebrate with a newborn and the memories of the struggle to get there will be behind us. I know my body can do this. I just know it can.
Last night we were at a wedding and this woman who was probably 30 weeks along was dancing up a storm. She had so much energy and looked fantastic. Eric was memorized by her (as were a lot of people). And I found myself getting jealous of her. Someone, I had no idea who she was but that she was pregnant and so full of life. Then he said, "I need to take a picture of this".
I held it together.
And even though I know he didn't mean any harm, I just told him that we don't need pictures of random pregnant women.
I think he understood.
This whole struggle has been really hard on me/us. I'm surrounded by it now matter where I turn.
Last night before the wedding I had one drink and I had another once I got there. Since alcohol really intensifies my emotions I think it's best that I stay away from it. If I had a couple drinks in me when Eric said he wanted to take that picture I might have lost it. And that wouldn't have been good.
So, today on Father's Day I need to remember that our mother's and father's day will come soon and celebrate that.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Accupuncture Round Two
Today, I decided to give acupuncture another try. We went through all my history. I mean all of it, episodes of depression I had after I broke up with my college boyfriend, migraines when I was 6, we talked about it all.
It was kind of like therapy. It was good talking about everything. The accupuncture was painless. She burned herbs and poked me a little bit.
I left in a great mood.
As I was leaving I thought about calling a friend of mine that lived in the area I was in. She had a baby in February and since finding out she was pregnant last June our relationship has changed. She seems more negative. Everything about her baby and her life is a complaint. Instead of calling her I called Eric, we agreed I didn't need to ruin my good vibes with her bad ones.
Like most of my friends, she has no idea what is going on with me. Sometimes I wonder if her attitude would change if she did. Would she appreciate what she has more? With her, it probably wouldn't change anything.
I think of the nice things about talking to the acupuncturist was it was like talking to a friend but without the burden. When I tell my friends about what is going on I feel like it's a lot to handle. I think it's even more to handle because a lot of them have babies or are pregnant.
For now I'm going to go off this positive energy. My acupuncture lady seems optimistic too and that's the kind of energy I need around me !
It was kind of like therapy. It was good talking about everything. The accupuncture was painless. She burned herbs and poked me a little bit.
I left in a great mood.
As I was leaving I thought about calling a friend of mine that lived in the area I was in. She had a baby in February and since finding out she was pregnant last June our relationship has changed. She seems more negative. Everything about her baby and her life is a complaint. Instead of calling her I called Eric, we agreed I didn't need to ruin my good vibes with her bad ones.
Like most of my friends, she has no idea what is going on with me. Sometimes I wonder if her attitude would change if she did. Would she appreciate what she has more? With her, it probably wouldn't change anything.
I think of the nice things about talking to the acupuncturist was it was like talking to a friend but without the burden. When I tell my friends about what is going on I feel like it's a lot to handle. I think it's even more to handle because a lot of them have babies or are pregnant.
For now I'm going to go off this positive energy. My acupuncture lady seems optimistic too and that's the kind of energy I need around me !
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
One Week Later.
On Wednesday of last week my doctor called to tell me I wasn't actually pregnant. At the time I wasn't super upset. I took it as stoically as possible and immediately started to focus on this month.
But now, a week later, I'm starting to get sad again. Sad that another pregnancy failed and that we were once again so close. Two weeks ago we were celebrating. Now, I'm bleeding again and planning how to get pregnant.
For that one blissful week I thought we were past that. I thought I could concentrate on being pregnant instead of getting pregnant.
This past little thing just confirmed how hard this is going to be and even if I do get pregnant this month, I don't think I'll ever forget or take it for granted anymore.
On Friday I am going to try acupuncture again. I was going to wait another month before starting anything new like that but I'm pretty sure I said the same thing last month and I'm ready to stop thinking about if it doesn't work this month.
But now, a week later, I'm starting to get sad again. Sad that another pregnancy failed and that we were once again so close. Two weeks ago we were celebrating. Now, I'm bleeding again and planning how to get pregnant.
For that one blissful week I thought we were past that. I thought I could concentrate on being pregnant instead of getting pregnant.
This past little thing just confirmed how hard this is going to be and even if I do get pregnant this month, I don't think I'll ever forget or take it for granted anymore.
On Friday I am going to try acupuncture again. I was going to wait another month before starting anything new like that but I'm pretty sure I said the same thing last month and I'm ready to stop thinking about if it doesn't work this month.
Looking Back
Although I often get ahead of myself in thinking, sometimes I can't help but to dwell on the past.
When I was pregnant in January at around 5 weeks I started to have this burning/cramping in my vagina. I called the doctor and they said I needed to come in and that I would need an ultrasound.
I was worried that my insurance hadn't kicked in yet and had read that it was bad to get ultrasounds done so early. So, I didn't go.
I get mad at myself all the time that I didn't go.
My friend Amy once told me that as soon as you get pregnant you need to have your progesterone checked. Could I have had mine checked at that appointment?
Would I have remembered to ask?
Would they have done the blood work?
Would it have made any difference?
Most people I know go in at 8 weeks, I didn't go in until almost 10. I often wonder if that made a difference.
Should I be mad at my doctor?
Would I have seen a heartbeat?
Would we have known something was wrong?
Would things be different now?
I think about things like this all the time. Sometimes I feel my belly and I'm still in shock there isn't a baby there.
Its been 3 months since the miscarriage and I'm still not 100% sure that I've accepted it.
Or that another month of trying has started....
When I was pregnant in January at around 5 weeks I started to have this burning/cramping in my vagina. I called the doctor and they said I needed to come in and that I would need an ultrasound.
I was worried that my insurance hadn't kicked in yet and had read that it was bad to get ultrasounds done so early. So, I didn't go.
I get mad at myself all the time that I didn't go.
My friend Amy once told me that as soon as you get pregnant you need to have your progesterone checked. Could I have had mine checked at that appointment?
Would I have remembered to ask?
Would they have done the blood work?
Would it have made any difference?
Most people I know go in at 8 weeks, I didn't go in until almost 10. I often wonder if that made a difference.
Should I be mad at my doctor?
Would I have seen a heartbeat?
Would we have known something was wrong?
Would things be different now?
I think about things like this all the time. Sometimes I feel my belly and I'm still in shock there isn't a baby there.
Its been 3 months since the miscarriage and I'm still not 100% sure that I've accepted it.
Or that another month of trying has started....
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Live in the Now.
When I was 8 weeks pregnant last time, I decided it was time to make make a cute board to document my baby bump. I waited until 8 weeks because I thought that would mean I was "in the clear". Luckily, I waited to take any pictures though.
The board, is a small frame where I drilled two holes on top to hang a ribbon. Since I knew I'd be traveling a lot I thought it would be fun to document the baby bump and travel at the same time. I made the frame into a chalkboard surface and bought little chipboard pieces to symbolize the places we were going.
A palm tree for the Dominican Republic
A heart for my brother's wedding in San Fransisco
Cowboy boots for our trip to Jackson Hole
Another heart for a wedding in Santa Barbara
In my mind it was going to be so cute. I had plans to change the ribbon from grey to pink or blue when we found out the gender and every time I got an ultrasound picture I was going to place it in the frame as well.
I had it all planned out.
I tend to do that though. Plan it all out. My nursery is pretty much designed, names have been picked and I know the diaper bag I want. Only problem is there isn't anything to plan for.
San Fransisco and the DR have already passed. With this CP and long AF I know that I won't be pregnant in Jackson Hole either.
I'm still holding out hope for Santa Barbara.
After the miscarriage we talked a lot about these dates and how far a long I would be. If I had gotten pregnant in April I would have been 13 weeks in Jackson Hole, May would have made me 9 and now I'm hoping for 4.
The idea that I won't be pregnant for any of these events still boggles my mind a little bit. It's as if things had happened in this timeline I'd feel better about everything.
Now, I find myself trying not to think as much about what events I could possibly be pregnant for. But, honestly I can't help myself. I can't help but to count weeks and figure out how far a long I would be at certain times. Like, how if we got pregnant this time then we would be 20 weeks on our 4th wedding anniversary. I can't think of a better anniversary gift then to find out the gender of our baby. I've thought about how we could carve "it's a ___" in a pumpkin.
I've gotten ahead of myself.
I need to do a better job of living in the moment. I need to appreciate what I have around me. I need to think of the fun I'll have all these places and how it's so awesome that we get to explore all these places.
Live in the now.
The board, is a small frame where I drilled two holes on top to hang a ribbon. Since I knew I'd be traveling a lot I thought it would be fun to document the baby bump and travel at the same time. I made the frame into a chalkboard surface and bought little chipboard pieces to symbolize the places we were going.
A palm tree for the Dominican Republic
A heart for my brother's wedding in San Fransisco
Cowboy boots for our trip to Jackson Hole
Another heart for a wedding in Santa Barbara
In my mind it was going to be so cute. I had plans to change the ribbon from grey to pink or blue when we found out the gender and every time I got an ultrasound picture I was going to place it in the frame as well.
I had it all planned out.
I tend to do that though. Plan it all out. My nursery is pretty much designed, names have been picked and I know the diaper bag I want. Only problem is there isn't anything to plan for.
San Fransisco and the DR have already passed. With this CP and long AF I know that I won't be pregnant in Jackson Hole either.
I'm still holding out hope for Santa Barbara.
After the miscarriage we talked a lot about these dates and how far a long I would be. If I had gotten pregnant in April I would have been 13 weeks in Jackson Hole, May would have made me 9 and now I'm hoping for 4.
The idea that I won't be pregnant for any of these events still boggles my mind a little bit. It's as if things had happened in this timeline I'd feel better about everything.
Now, I find myself trying not to think as much about what events I could possibly be pregnant for. But, honestly I can't help myself. I can't help but to count weeks and figure out how far a long I would be at certain times. Like, how if we got pregnant this time then we would be 20 weeks on our 4th wedding anniversary. I can't think of a better anniversary gift then to find out the gender of our baby. I've thought about how we could carve "it's a ___" in a pumpkin.
I've gotten ahead of myself.
I need to do a better job of living in the moment. I need to appreciate what I have around me. I need to think of the fun I'll have all these places and how it's so awesome that we get to explore all these places.
Live in the now.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Optomism.
Today at 3:30pm we were supposed to have another ultrasound. Of course, that's not needed and instead I'll be going in to get my blood drawn to make sure my HcG is back to 0.
We decided not to tell my parents about this pregnancy but I had mentioned to my mom awhile ago that I have a follow up doctors appointment. At one point is was to go over my ovulation testing and then it became the ultrasound test. I knew she'd be suspicious if I told her it was cancelled.
Today, she wants to meet for coffee to talk about the appointment. I know she's just being a concerned parent but really, there is nothing to say. I don't plan on telling her about the CP and when I talked to the doctor last week she just told me we can try again this month. At this point, there is no need for a additional testing or worries.
My AF this time actually seems the most normal in a long time. The only strange thing was seeing the mucus membrane on Saturday night. That was traumatic. Since then it hasn't been too heavy and the color is bright red. It also seems to be lasting longer then 2 days (I'm on day 4) and I haven't noticed any clots besides the one on Saturday.
All of these things have me once again thinking things are in our favor this month. Eric and I talked a lot about in on Saturday night (his birthday) and we agree I need to calm down. In January things happened easily and that was great. It's been heartbreaking for it not to happen again so easily but it gives me hope it can again.
I'm drinking my fertility tea (because I have a big bag of it) and I'll take the ovulation strips again but besides that I want to go at this in a better frame of mind. It's no longer about will I be pregnant for certain events because at this point I know I probably won't be.
Eric and I have had a great married life together and this is just a hurdle along the way. Maybe things aren't happening as we orgianlly thought but maybe that's okay and for some reason, unknown to us, we have another, better plan coming.
June may be our month. It may not be. Sure, I'll be upset if it isn't but our month and our baby will come.
That's my new attitude and I (need) to stick to it.
We decided not to tell my parents about this pregnancy but I had mentioned to my mom awhile ago that I have a follow up doctors appointment. At one point is was to go over my ovulation testing and then it became the ultrasound test. I knew she'd be suspicious if I told her it was cancelled.
Today, she wants to meet for coffee to talk about the appointment. I know she's just being a concerned parent but really, there is nothing to say. I don't plan on telling her about the CP and when I talked to the doctor last week she just told me we can try again this month. At this point, there is no need for a additional testing or worries.
My AF this time actually seems the most normal in a long time. The only strange thing was seeing the mucus membrane on Saturday night. That was traumatic. Since then it hasn't been too heavy and the color is bright red. It also seems to be lasting longer then 2 days (I'm on day 4) and I haven't noticed any clots besides the one on Saturday.
All of these things have me once again thinking things are in our favor this month. Eric and I talked a lot about in on Saturday night (his birthday) and we agree I need to calm down. In January things happened easily and that was great. It's been heartbreaking for it not to happen again so easily but it gives me hope it can again.
I'm drinking my fertility tea (because I have a big bag of it) and I'll take the ovulation strips again but besides that I want to go at this in a better frame of mind. It's no longer about will I be pregnant for certain events because at this point I know I probably won't be.
Eric and I have had a great married life together and this is just a hurdle along the way. Maybe things aren't happening as we orgianlly thought but maybe that's okay and for some reason, unknown to us, we have another, better plan coming.
June may be our month. It may not be. Sure, I'll be upset if it isn't but our month and our baby will come.
That's my new attitude and I (need) to stick to it.
Friday, June 7, 2013
The Crying Game.
Well I made it through last night without crying (at dinner at least). Last night we went to dinner with the friend that is due two weeks after I was. I sat next to her as she rubbed her belly and told us about the ultrasound.
I kept my attitude upbeat. I tried my hardest not think about how I was waiting for my period to start after my second failed pregnancy. I tried not to compare "where I would have been in my pregnancy at this point or how I was going to tell her about my new one that night.
Eric said during dinner he saw my eyes well up a few times.I'm glad I held it together though. In the car and that night at home I sobbed and sobbed in my husband's arms. I told him how sad I was, how much I wanted to be a mom and how much I wanted him to be a dad. I cried that I felt guilty things hadn't worked out and that I was the one who had taken so long to be "ready".
My AF still hasn't come but this weekend is Eric's birthday. I need to stop crying (I've ugly cried multiple times the past few days) and focus on him. I know the stress of seeing me upset isn't easy on him. It was also nice for him to recognize (for maybe the first time ever) how difficult last night was for me. That its hard to be around your pregnant friends.
Okay June, let's bring on AF and bring on the baby making. This is our month.
I kept my attitude upbeat. I tried my hardest not think about how I was waiting for my period to start after my second failed pregnancy. I tried not to compare "where I would have been in my pregnancy at this point or how I was going to tell her about my new one that night.
Eric said during dinner he saw my eyes well up a few times.I'm glad I held it together though. In the car and that night at home I sobbed and sobbed in my husband's arms. I told him how sad I was, how much I wanted to be a mom and how much I wanted him to be a dad. I cried that I felt guilty things hadn't worked out and that I was the one who had taken so long to be "ready".
My AF still hasn't come but this weekend is Eric's birthday. I need to stop crying (I've ugly cried multiple times the past few days) and focus on him. I know the stress of seeing me upset isn't easy on him. It was also nice for him to recognize (for maybe the first time ever) how difficult last night was for me. That its hard to be around your pregnant friends.
Okay June, let's bring on AF and bring on the baby making. This is our month.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
The Plan
A few years ago Eric and I were taking a walk and I remember having a conversation about kids. At the time he was all for it and I was still a little apprehensive.
I told him things like "after my 30th birthday we can talk about it". At the time I thought we had a lot to see and do. I didn't want to be one of those girls who got married and had babies right away.
We also had another conversation (about two years ago) where we decided we would try after my friends July 2013 Italian wedding. Eric told me, "you better leave Europe pregnant". That became the new plan.
Here we are a month from the wedding (which has since been moved to California) and 8 months until my 30th birthday and I want a baby. Now.
A major fault in my personality is when I decide I want something I don't stop thinking about. I'm persistent. So last September when I told my doctor we were going to start trying in January I thought that's it. It will happen then.
Tonight, I will find out the gender of my friend's baby who was supposed to be due two weeks after me. When events like this happen I wish I could go back to a year from now. A year ago I was still not ready. Friends having babies didn't make me jealous. I was excited for them but so not ready for me. I often wonder why I wasn't ready but that's just silly.
I remember saying once "when we have a baby it will be an accident because I don't think I'll ever be ready."
Oh how I wish I could eat my words. Baby Fairy--- I"M READY.
I never thought I'd be one of those girls peeing multiple times a day on an ovulation stick. I didn't think I'd be getting my blood drawn every week so see what was going on with me.
I didn't think it would difficult for me to stay pregnant.
Today, I'm waiting for my period to come. Most months I don't want to see it. This month it needs to come soon. I need my body to stop messing with me, and my plan.
I told him things like "after my 30th birthday we can talk about it". At the time I thought we had a lot to see and do. I didn't want to be one of those girls who got married and had babies right away.
We also had another conversation (about two years ago) where we decided we would try after my friends July 2013 Italian wedding. Eric told me, "you better leave Europe pregnant". That became the new plan.
Here we are a month from the wedding (which has since been moved to California) and 8 months until my 30th birthday and I want a baby. Now.
A major fault in my personality is when I decide I want something I don't stop thinking about. I'm persistent. So last September when I told my doctor we were going to start trying in January I thought that's it. It will happen then.
Tonight, I will find out the gender of my friend's baby who was supposed to be due two weeks after me. When events like this happen I wish I could go back to a year from now. A year ago I was still not ready. Friends having babies didn't make me jealous. I was excited for them but so not ready for me. I often wonder why I wasn't ready but that's just silly.
I remember saying once "when we have a baby it will be an accident because I don't think I'll ever be ready."
Oh how I wish I could eat my words. Baby Fairy--- I"M READY.
I never thought I'd be one of those girls peeing multiple times a day on an ovulation stick. I didn't think I'd be getting my blood drawn every week so see what was going on with me.
I didn't think it would difficult for me to stay pregnant.
Today, I'm waiting for my period to come. Most months I don't want to see it. This month it needs to come soon. I need my body to stop messing with me, and my plan.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
I Thought This Would Be Easier
I thought getting pregnant was supposed to be easier. At least that's what it's always seemed to be. The story is supposed to go something like this:
1. Meet a boy and fall in love
2. Marry boy
3. Spend a few weeks/months/years enjoying being married
4. Start "trying"
5. Pop a baby out
6.Two to three years later have another
7. Repeat step 6... maybe.
8. Live happily ever after
I thought that's how our story would go. We did everything we were supposed to do. Got married, had fun for a few years and then bam a baby was supposed to come.
Watching my husband with my handicapped brother over the past few weeks and re-confirmed that I know he'll be a great dad. I know he'll be caring and loving and will do anything for that child. I want to give him that opportunity so bad.
Hearing the news of the chemical pregnancy today was really really scary. What if we can't get pregnant (and stay pregnant) like our friends. What if something is wrong with one of us? What if we can never have a baby?
This is one of those things I thought would be easy. I thought these things just happen. I never thought I'd be one to miscarry. Even after that I thought I'd get pregnant right away like all my friends.
I thought this would be easier.
When I'm in a store, looking on facebook or see a child anywhere, I want to take the mother and tell her what a miracle that baby is and how lucky she is to be a mom. I know some women get that. Some have been through what I have or their own struggles.
Someday I'll have my miracle.
It won't be easy but it will come.
1. Meet a boy and fall in love
2. Marry boy
3. Spend a few weeks/months/years enjoying being married
4. Start "trying"
5. Pop a baby out
6.Two to three years later have another
7. Repeat step 6... maybe.
8. Live happily ever after
I thought that's how our story would go. We did everything we were supposed to do. Got married, had fun for a few years and then bam a baby was supposed to come.
Watching my husband with my handicapped brother over the past few weeks and re-confirmed that I know he'll be a great dad. I know he'll be caring and loving and will do anything for that child. I want to give him that opportunity so bad.
Hearing the news of the chemical pregnancy today was really really scary. What if we can't get pregnant (and stay pregnant) like our friends. What if something is wrong with one of us? What if we can never have a baby?
This is one of those things I thought would be easy. I thought these things just happen. I never thought I'd be one to miscarry. Even after that I thought I'd get pregnant right away like all my friends.
I thought this would be easier.
When I'm in a store, looking on facebook or see a child anywhere, I want to take the mother and tell her what a miracle that baby is and how lucky she is to be a mom. I know some women get that. Some have been through what I have or their own struggles.
Someday I'll have my miracle.
It won't be easy but it will come.
Not Pregnant.
Well, I'm glad we decided to keep things to ourselves. Turns out, I'm not pregnant. I heard from the doctor today and my HCG went from a 17 on Monday to a 13 today. She thinks the only reason I haven't gotten my period is because of the progesterone I was put on last week. Because my levels are so low, the doctor is calling it a chemical pregnancy.
When the doctor called I was thinking about how I was going to make a non-alcoholic drink for supper club on Monday. I volunteered to host thinking I could easily hide the fact I wasn't drinking that way. I had already started to think about how nice it was going to be to out of my first trimester when I had all these baby showers to attend in August. I was getting really ahead of myself.
Today, I was also thinking some other things too. Like, how it was odd that I didn't seem that tired or that my nipples stopped hurting.
I'm sad that once again things didn't seem to work out for us. I had dreams of a birthday baby in February. I'm sad that I've been pregnant twice in 2013 and have nothing to show for it.
I'm also worried. I'm worried that this is just the beginning of our troubles. Could there be bigger issues ahead of us?
And most importantly, what's next? Maybe is it time to start seriously looking for a real job? It is time to do something else with my life?
And most of all I wonder... will I ever be a mom?
When the doctor called I was thinking about how I was going to make a non-alcoholic drink for supper club on Monday. I volunteered to host thinking I could easily hide the fact I wasn't drinking that way. I had already started to think about how nice it was going to be to out of my first trimester when I had all these baby showers to attend in August. I was getting really ahead of myself.
Today, I was also thinking some other things too. Like, how it was odd that I didn't seem that tired or that my nipples stopped hurting.
I'm sad that once again things didn't seem to work out for us. I had dreams of a birthday baby in February. I'm sad that I've been pregnant twice in 2013 and have nothing to show for it.
I'm also worried. I'm worried that this is just the beginning of our troubles. Could there be bigger issues ahead of us?
And most importantly, what's next? Maybe is it time to start seriously looking for a real job? It is time to do something else with my life?
And most of all I wonder... will I ever be a mom?
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Five Weeks.
Last week after a faint positive on Wednesday morning, I took two more tests on Thursday night and they came back positive. I'm excited and scared at the same time. This time around we decided not to tell anyone right away. Last time, we told my parents the day we found out.
Since we have known for almost a week and not said anything it's been kind of nice. I actually find myself thinking about it less and there seems to be less pressure. When my parents know talk will turn 100% on baby. With just Eric and I knowing, it can be more in the back of our minds.
When I do start to think about it a lot I get nervous. In some ways things feel the same as they did last time (legs hurting, frequent urination, tender boobs) and that scares me. Scares me that maybe things won't go right again. I'm also more confident though that things will go right. Both times I got pregnant the second month of trying and so I'm thinking I must be pretty healthy and I know the chances of multiple miscarriages is slim. Plus. my doctor is already doing bloodwork, has me on progesterone and I have an ultrasound on Monday.
Monday's ultrasound is what's really exciting/scary to me. I'll be almost 6 weeks and so we should be able to hear a heartbeat. I'm trying not to think about the what ifs but more of the excitement of what that will feel like. I know there is a chance since I ovulated late that we won't be able to detect it at that time. I need to stay positive though. I know this little bean will stick.
In order to keep things relaxed for me, I've also done something different, I haven't added the baby app to my phone. I decided I'll wait until Monday and when everything goes well there, then I will do it. I think we'll also wait to tell my parents until at least then.
So, here we go, starting the journey again (but with a much different end result.... I know it!).
Since we have known for almost a week and not said anything it's been kind of nice. I actually find myself thinking about it less and there seems to be less pressure. When my parents know talk will turn 100% on baby. With just Eric and I knowing, it can be more in the back of our minds.
When I do start to think about it a lot I get nervous. In some ways things feel the same as they did last time (legs hurting, frequent urination, tender boobs) and that scares me. Scares me that maybe things won't go right again. I'm also more confident though that things will go right. Both times I got pregnant the second month of trying and so I'm thinking I must be pretty healthy and I know the chances of multiple miscarriages is slim. Plus. my doctor is already doing bloodwork, has me on progesterone and I have an ultrasound on Monday.
Monday's ultrasound is what's really exciting/scary to me. I'll be almost 6 weeks and so we should be able to hear a heartbeat. I'm trying not to think about the what ifs but more of the excitement of what that will feel like. I know there is a chance since I ovulated late that we won't be able to detect it at that time. I need to stay positive though. I know this little bean will stick.
In order to keep things relaxed for me, I've also done something different, I haven't added the baby app to my phone. I decided I'll wait until Monday and when everything goes well there, then I will do it. I think we'll also wait to tell my parents until at least then.
So, here we go, starting the journey again (but with a much different end result.... I know it!).
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