Looking Back

Although I often get ahead of myself in thinking, sometimes I can't help but to dwell on the past.

When I was pregnant in January at around 5 weeks I started to have this burning/cramping in my vagina. I called the doctor and they said I needed to come in and that I would need an ultrasound.

I was worried that my insurance hadn't kicked in yet and had read that it was bad to get ultrasounds done so early. So, I didn't go.

I get mad at myself all the time that I didn't go.

My friend Amy once told me that as soon as you get pregnant you need to have your progesterone checked. Could I have had mine checked at that appointment?

Would I have remembered to ask?

Would they have done the blood work?

Would it have made any difference?

Most people I know go in at 8 weeks, I didn't go in until almost 10. I often wonder if that made a difference.

Should I be mad at my doctor?

Would I have seen a heartbeat?

Would we have known something was wrong?

Would things be different now?

I think about things like this all the time. Sometimes I feel my belly and I'm still in shock there isn't a baby there.

Its been 3 months since the miscarriage and I'm still not 100% sure that I've accepted it.

Or that another month of trying has started....