Google it.

I've once again convinced myself that I am pregnant even though all the signs are pointing otherwise. On Friday I thought there was a good chance I was a pregnant, I took a test and it came out negative. Cramping and a sore back had me once again thinking I was pregnant on Monday, so I took another test and it was negative. Today, I have the same cramping but it's accompanied by a light brown discharge. Which means my period is probably about to start. When I first noticed the brown discharge, I started to ball.

I thought this was going to be month. April was supposed to be our month.

And while I know two negative tests and a brown discharge means this probably isn't our month, I did something I shouldn't have done and googled, "light brown discharge". Just like most things in life, a light brown discharge could mean early pregnancy.  But then again just about everything could mean early pregnancy. The amount of symptoms you can google and think you are pregnant are crazy.

I have a tendency to google everything. It's a bad habit. When I was pregnant last time I googled every little thing. Mostly things like why I was peeing so much, or why I was so cold all the time. Of course I got a range of answers, most of the time the answer was, "everything should be fine" to the occasional "it could be a sign of a miscarriage".  Reading those I didn't believe that it was the later and now I'd give anything to have the brown discharge mean I am pregnant.

Being pregnant before I remember a lot of things that felt and happened before, the feeling like I was always about to start my period (check), the white vaginal discharge (check) and the frequent urination (check). Right now, Im trying to stay optimistic, I keep telling myself I can cry when I see the blood. But until then I need to be thinking positive. I need to be thinking that I will be pregnant at my brother's wedding at the end of may, I'll be telling people at the wedding in Jackson Hole and sporting a new bump at the Santa Barbara wedding at the in end of July.  It's silly things to think about but its the only thing that gets me through these days.

If my period does start tomorrow, I need to remember to stay optimistic then too. We will be pregnant someday. Hopefully that day is just sooner then later.

The Breakdown.

On Friday I had a bit of a breakdown. Several of my college friends were in town for a bachlorette party. Since most of these girls aren't even married I thought I'd be safe from the "when are you going to have kids" conversation.  Well after one friend volunteered that they were trying another asked, "so who is going to be pregnant or have a baby by this time next year?". I tried to keep my mouth shut but I could feel the tears starting to form. After not saying much, I was asked directly by the same friend, I tried the whole "when the timing is right" or saying generic stupid things that didnt make a lot of sense and before I knew it, I had burst into tears and told them all I had a miscarriage.

I get asked that question all the time, but this was the first time I just burst into tears about it. Unfortunately for me, it was in front of 8 people. Not exactly, the way to keep something private should go. But, I didn't let them know a lot of details, just that it had happened and that it's been really tough. I hadn't thought of this but another friend later pointed out that if statistics are right at least one of these girls will also go through what I did so, at least now they know someone else has gone through it too.

Slowly more and more people are starting to know and find out. It's kind of weird that "our little secret" is becoming more out in the open.

One Line.

This morning I took a pregnancy test and it came back negative. Of course, I had once again convinced myself that it was going to be positive. Yesterday, I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, my back still hurts and the frequent peeing seems to be back. I should know by know that these are head games I play with myself but I thought this was going to be different.

This weekend I am hosting a bachlorette party and I in my head I had the email constructed to all my friends before the wedding in July telling them "I found out the morning of the party" and that I "hid it so well". I was already thinking of the non-alcoholic beers and club sodas I would be ordering. I got ahead of myself.

I promised my husband that when I took the test if it came back negative I wouldn't be upset. But, Im crying right now (but luckily he is already at work). Seeing the negative brings back a flood of emotions of what I loss and what's not there yet.

I'm trying to stay optimistic that this will in fact be "the month". On the positive side of thinking last time I took a test on Tuesday and it was negative and by Sunday it was positive. So, it could just be too early (my cycle is so out of whack that who knows when my next period will be). On the negative I'm not even sure I'm ovulating. I've taken 14 ovulation tests and none of them come back looking like I have ovulated. We've decided to hold off using them for awhile and just do it the old fashion way. Talk to me in a few months (if I'm not preggo) and see if I feel the same way.

This weekend is going to be real interesting for me. Only one girl out of the 10 going know about the miscarriage. Babies often are the topic of conversation with friends but I'm hoping it doesn't come up too much. I need to remember that alcohol makes me emotion and given my emotional state this morning I need to be careful of that. Plus, I could be pregnant..... right?

Pressure.

At this point I can't even keep track of all the people I know expecting babies between September and November this year. I want to say the count is somewhere around 12 or 13. I'm sure more will be coming too.

When we first started talking about wanting to expand our family I knew one person who was pregnant. Now, it seems like everyone had the same idea as us as far as timing which if course hasn't made this an easier but has also added a certain pressure to the whole thing.

When I look on facebook I have three groups of friends, married with kids, single and married without kids. The married without kids group seems to be getting smaller and smaller. I'm only 29 but I wonder if the singles and married without kids are feeling the same pressure I am. If I was single would I be thinking "I really need to get married". For the past three and half years we've really enjoyed our marriage and done lots of great things.

 Im trying to stay relaxed about the whole thing.

On Friday, Im going to allow myself to take a pregnancy test. At this point I have no idea what it will come back as. I think going away to the DR was a great thing for us because we were so relaxed and trying was "fun". I worry though that if we aren't pregnant the pressure will just increase and the fun may quickly go. 

The Best is Yet to Come

Today, I'm writing from the beautiful Dominican Republic. I thought I'd be here 16 weeks pregnant. I'm obviously not. There are several pregnant women on the trip and I just found out another friend (who is several years younger and hasn't been married a year) is pregnant. Through all this I've still managed to have a really good time.  And although I would give anything to be pregnant right now, it's been nice not to worry about if I can eat something (like is that cheese pasteurized) or not.  Plus I've been able to enjoy some cocktails and relax. And while this is a work trip, it's also made me reflect once again that I'm happy we've been able to do so many things and go so many places before we even started to think about going on this journey.

We're hoping this will be the month and time that we get pregnant again. I've been taking the ovulation sticks every morning and I just find them frustrating. They are hard to read and the lines and I'm honestly not sure if after this month (if we don't get pregnant) that I'll want to use them again. My husband says they make him feel like a piece of meat and I kind of have to agree.

I don't want to become a slave to the stick and I don't want our relationship to become about the stick. Hopefully being relaxed and on vacation is what my body needs and we will get good news at the end of the month. And if not I need to remember that I've been blessed in the path life has taken me so far and that my favorite mantra still rings true, "The Best is Yet to Come."

Future Self: It doesn't always mean your pregnant when....

In three-four weeks I'll be looking at every sign possible and spending too much time on google trying to figure out if I'm experiencing early pregnancy symptoms.

I need to remind myself and look back at this so I can get a realistic grasp of what's going on.

1. My lower back hurts. I think it's from lifting mulch yesterday. It doesn't always mean your pregnant when your lower back hurts.

2. I'm tired. I haven't been sleeping well at night and its caused for a severe energy dip at around 2 pm. It doesn't always mean your pregnant when your tired.

3. I get nauseous randomly. Today I was driving and got a random tinge of nausea. I was probably hungry, or thirsty or tired. That or its just that I've always been a kind of pukey person. It doesn't always mean your pregnant when your nauseous.

4. I have to pee all the time. I think it probably has something to do with all the water I drink but I feel like I have to pee all the time. It doesn't always mean your pregnant when you pee a lot.

If I were to google any of those things I'd quickly think I was pregnant. But, I know I'm not (although typing all those things make me want to go pee on a stick... just to make sure.... ).

Last month, even though we weren't trying I had convinced myself I was pregnant. I was googling my cloudy pee and sore boobs. Although it would have been great if I was, I know that my body probably wasn't ready yet.

This month I'll hopefully get that positive I am looking for and can rely on that and not the crazy things my body thinks it might be doing to tell me if I'm pregnant again.

Being "Ready"

Recently, I've been thinking about why we "weren't ready" to grow our family until recently. Looking back, I really don't know what made the difference.

We have a house, my husband has a good job and we enjoy doing things that can be done with a kid like going to the beach and cooking dinner at home. We've never been ones to go out downtown or hang out at bars (okay so maybe my husband is) but the I question why I didn't think I was ready before (and then of course why when I thought I was ready my body didn't think I was).

A lot of women may blame it on a career but to be honest I have never wanted to work in an office or have some grand career. I've always wanted to have a small business I can do from home but have my number one job be a mom. I've known this my entire life but yet it took me until I was 29 to even start acting on this. Why?

I've always been told "you are going to be a great mom one day". Maybe it's because I love to bake, cook and do crafty things. I've always known I wanted to be a mom but just not sure of the timing.

I remember once, before I was married,  I was at lunch with some older male co-workers and one of them asked me if I was putting the pressure on to get married. And I replied, "oh no way, I'm not ready for that.". But then, like a light switch a few months later I was SO READY. Luckily, my husband agreed.

Having a baby of course hasn't been as easy. For awhile I had the mindset, we needed to wait until friends weddings were over. I talked to my doctor about it and she said, "there will always be a wedding or an event and some point you realize you can't put your life on hold for everyone else." Of course looking back, I wish we had started to try right then. I say that but I know it wouldn't be rational, I had the weight to loose and we had weddings (like my brothers) to attend.

That was last September and I remember leaving the doctors thinking, "I'll be in here the same time next year having a baby."

And to think, that almost worked.

Really, there is no point to look back and think of what could have been. It's pointless and exhausting. Things will work out and the timing will be right.

Prepardness

When I got pregnant in January we had been preparing for five months. In August after a family vacation we decided that after being married 3 years we were ready to start a family. Instead of rushing into things we decided to take the next couple of months to prepare.

One of the biggest things I wanted to do was get my weight under control. Since getting married I had put on over 20 pounds. At my peak I was close to 170 pounds, which on a 5'6" frame is considered overweight. I lost most of the weight by watching what I ate better and by becoming a vegetarian, well pescatarian. It was truly a game changer and by January I had lost 20 pounds.  I thought I was ready.

Looking back, I still think we were ready but now that the time has come to try again I think we are even more ready then before.

On a personal health front, I've started going to yoga, which is something I'll be able to do all throughout pregnancy. Regular exercise hasn't happened for me in years and so this is a really goog thing. I'm also taking my vitamins and even more aware of what I am eating.

And perhaps most importantly, my friendships and marriage are stronger.

This time has really taught me a lot. For the first time in my life I can truly say I have a best friend now. This friend wasn't even in my wedding 4 years ago but because life has taken us on similar paths our friendship has grown into something truly amazing. I trust and value her more then I even knew. Other friends have also really stepped up and it's brought us closer together as well. It's also made me realize who I would tell earlier the next time around. That support system is something I'll never take for granted again.

And then there is my marriage. My husband and I have always been very open with each other but it's been taken to a whole new level. Sure, there were times in this process I was less then pleased with him (like when he went on a boys trip a week and half after my d & c). But in general I think it's made us stronger and our expectations of each other more clear. 

Tomorrow, I'll take my first ovulation test. I toyed with the idea of seeing if it could just "happen" again without peeing on a stick everyday but since my cycle is so out of whack (it went from being 31 days to 25) we've decided that it's better to just know this time.

Let's do this. We're ready.

The Week I found Out Five Friends are Pregnant

This past week (well since Wednesday) I have found out that five women I know are pregnant. All of them due around the end of September thru the beginning on November. This five doesn't include my best friend who is also due in October or the other friends I know having babies this summer. I have also had three of my other closest friends give birth in the past five months. Holy batman that's a lot of babies.

On Saturday night I was at dinner with some friends and I ordered a beer. My one friend commented that she was so surprised that it was our other friend and NOT me that was pregnant.  Although I don't drink every time, her friend (who I don't know) noticed that at a tea we all went to that I ordered decaf, didn't get the mimosa and skipped the raw salmon on my plate. Of course, I was pregnant then. Actually, I think I probably miscarried on that day or maybe the day before. I just had no idea at that point. Somehow, I held it together at dinner, made some comment about how you can never tell with me because I'm weird about food and drinking and went on my way.

Later that night, after a few glasses of wine, was a completely different story. But, I held it together then.

This week is actually a pretty exciting week. I just finished my first "normal" period and with that we are okay to start trying again. Waiting for this time to come seemed to pass so slowly by but now we are so excited it's finally here (and that it looks like the "go time" should be while we are in the Dominican next week.

As I was telling my husband of yet another friend that's pregnant last night, he said, "I'm ready to have that excitement again too". He is so optimistic and knows I won't be far behind my other  friends.

Here's to hoping next week is the time when this journey begins again for us....

Jealousy

This week I found out about three friends due in October/November. Some are closer friends then others but each one stung just a little bit more.

We have a lot of events coming up this spring and summer, and I measured all of them by how far along I would be. A wedding this weekend would have been a great time to share with my college friends, the trip to the Dominican would have marked 17 weeks and meant I could have gone to the spa for prenatal treatments, I was worried about fitting into my dress at my brothers wedding in San Fransisco at 22 weeks (but excited we'd know the gender by then), had no idea how I'd find a black tie dress for the Jackson Hole wedding at 28 weeks, and unsure if my doctor would even let me go to another wedding in Santa Barbara at 30 weeks.

These worries of what will it fit and can I go are long gone now. But, I still ache for those worries. As friends around  me announce pregnancies I can't help but think and compare to how far along I would have been now, or whose baby would have been older. I've tried to explain it to my husband but it's hard for him to understand. I'm happy for my friends but I'm jealous, so very very jealous. I want what they have but there isn't a darn thing I can do about it.

When I was at my neighbors the other night, she asked if I had trouble getting pregnant, and I told her it took us two months (the first we actually had no idea about timing but I didn't tell her that) and she said something I would have never expected, "I'm so jealous of you."

 Jealous?

Of me?

Me, who didn't know I had miscarried for two weeks and bled for 9 days straight? Me, who had the one thing I ever wanted more then anything in the world ripped away in a second? You are jealous of that? She clarified a little but still, I get it. I'm jealous she was able to stay pregnant with her one year old and she's jealous I was able to get pregnant so easily.  Hopefully I can master that staying pregnant part soon too.

As women, we all get jealous. From material things to things we have no control over (like getting and staying pregnant).

Someday,  I know this jealously will be gone and I'll once again be able to measure dates by how far along I am and then by how old a child will be. Here's to hoping that first measurement will be 7 weeks for the San Fransisco wedding (and this time I know my dress will fit).

Two More That Know

Yesterday my "pact friend" asked me to go consignment/furniture shopping. I was pretty sure she wanted to look for nursery stuff and to be honest I just wasn't up for it. I actually had a lot of work to do so I declined (but did ask if she wanted to go to lunch).

For some reason, I decided to ask an old work friend to go to lunch that day. I hadn't seen her in awhile and she's usually up to get out of the office. So, we met at our usual spot, Panera. I did something I haven't done in quite a while and got a soda. Before we even got our lunch, she told me how much she missed soda because, you guessed it, she's pregnant! Really...

I never really suspected this girl to be preggo. She has a son and is very vocal about how one kid is enough for her. Guess not. She's due in October (which now makes this the third friend due in October/November). Of course, she then started to ask me about our plans and if we were trying. I tried to be coy, with generic answers and saying it just hadn't worked out yet, but then we she started telling me about her sister who had been trying for awhile and seeing fertility doctors but now is pregnant too, I just blurted out, "yeah I had a miscarriage". The friend was shocked at first but not taken aback enough to leave out the part that they "weren't trying". I decided after this lunch that maybe I don't really need to call her to go to lunch anymore.

Later that night I ended up going over to my neighbors house. She asked me over for wine (which she's never done). We were talking about women issues and a few glasses later I told her about the misscarriage too. My neighbor has a little boy but it took them 10 months to get pregnant. They've been trying again and the reason she wanted to have wine that night is because she had a negative test that morning. Funny, that at about the same time yesterday we were both discovering it would be at least another month. I'm hoping April will be the month for both of us...

Talking to her, although hard was good. I've been trying to be more open and I've come to realize this isn't something I need to hide. I don't plan on telling anyone else but if it comes up or the conversation steers that way I'm going to be okay with it. I think it honestly gave her a new respect towards me. We are some of the youngest on the block and I think having that conversation about real adult things showed that maybe we could be friends and she could think of me as more of a peer. It's odd how a random email to an old co-worker or a text from a neighbor and the events that follow can completely change your outlook on someone.

The Pact

On my 29th Birthday one of my best friends told me that she was pregnant. For years we had joked that we wanted to be pregnant together and had formed a "pregnancy pact". At the time we made this pact, I was married and I don't even think she was dating anyone, it seemed like a far away kind of thing.

On Super Bowl Sunday I told her I was pregnant, that night she took a test and found out she was too. It seemed like the pact was working. In fact when she told me about her pregnancy she said "I held up my side of the pact". We were both so excited. She was two weeks behind me and for those couple of weeks we loved be pregnant together. We would text, call and compare notes (well I did research and she asked).

Of course, then things changed. For one of us at least. 

Having one of your closest friends whose younger and been married for less amount of time  be pregnant hasn't been easy. But, for the most part I've handled it pretty well, telling myself things like "well we got to travel" or "I'm glad I married who I did".  Yesterday, things got a little rougher though. We went to visit her at work and I noticed something.... a little belly. Seeing that little belly made things so much more real. I'm supposed to have a belly and be two weeks ahead of her.

When I saw her it was rough, but I handled it okay because last night I thought I might be pregnant again too. Unfourtunatley all those "symptoms" just meant the start of my period. Which, is why this suddenly all became harder this morning.

On Monday I know she is planning on telling our supper club group. I hope it doesn't cause me to burst into tears. Hanging out with her is going to be hard. Really really hard. Like so hard I have this feeling I just want to avoid her. Does that make me a bad friend? Probably. But when your life is surrounded by friends with kids seeing one of your best friends go through all the things you should be going through (at the time you should be doing it) is just something that might be better avoided.