21 weeks 6 days

How far along? 21 weeks 6 days
Total weight gain/loss: 5-7 gaines
Maternity clothes? Maternity jeans and yoga pants. Still wearing some non-maternity tops and all non-maternity sweaters.
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Good. Except for the getting up to pee.
 Best moment this week: Finding out the gender last week and getting everything set for the nursery
 Have you told family and friends: Yup!
Miss Anything? Being able to move stuff. It's weird but I hate having to wait for Eric to do something or move something. I probably pick up heavier things then I should but I can't help myself.
Movement: Yes. Still waiting for Eric to actually feel.
Food cravings: Really wanted chocolate covered pretzels yesterday (ate a whole bag) and trying to eat more salads.
 Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope-- well maybe car rides
Have you started to show yet:  Yes, but still also kinda look fat
 Gender prediction:  GIRL!
  Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On (and still loose)
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: Putting the nursery together and picking out a name (Eric can't seem to commit)

18 w 3 days

How far along? 18 weeks and 3 days
Total weight gain/loss: 2-3 pounds gained
Maternity clothes? Normal pants still fit but make me look like a have a nasty muffin top so I've been wearing lots of maternity pants. Mixing in maternity and non-maternity tops.  A lot of times I wear them under a non-maternity sweater.
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Had some rough nights last week so I ordered a bump nest pillow
 Best moment this week: I think I have felt the baby move. I'm also pretty sure the bump is becoming more notciable
 Have you told family and friends: Yup!
Miss Anything? Not really.
Movement: I think so!
Food cravings: Still loving all carbs, espcially when paired with cheese. My favorite snack is a soft pretzel with white american cheese.  Looking forward to peppermint season :)
 Anything making you queasy or sick: Just when I'm really hungry in the morning.
Have you started to show yet:  Starting to look more round and pregnant
 Gender prediction:  Still think its a girl but starting to become less sure of that Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On (and still loose)
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: The bump to get bigger and to find out the gender on 11/27

Things I want to Rememer

- I found out I was pregnant on my dad's 76th birthday (8/7/13).  Eric and I went to lunch with him that day and I didn't say anything

- The first person I told (besides Eric) was Morgan. We were in TJ Maxx in West Ashley

- My mom found out next. We were at lunch and I told her after she kept asking questions

- At 6 weeks I changed doctors

- At our 8 week appt we heard the heartbeat and I cried.

- I told Brie and Amy after our 8 week appt. Brie was in town and saw me get sick multiple times

- Weeks 8-9 were the worst morning sickness wise. I had one day around 8.5 weeks I couldn't get out of bed.

- My first maternity clothes were a pair of J Crew black pants. Haven't worn them since Europe.

- I threw up in all four countries we visited in Europe (England, France, Belgium and Holland). I also threw up in a tea cup on the way to France while on the Eurostar. That was not fun.

- Morning sickness started to really go away around 13 weeks, although I have had a few incidents since then.

- I am convinced I am having a girl. A lot of the old wives tales idicate that too. Especially heartbeat.
     -  8 weeks: 154
     -  11 weeks: 174
      - 15 weeks: 150

- Around 16.5 weeks I started to show a little bit more. Still nothing drastic but you see something. I also keep thinking I feel movement.

- Eric annouced to the world that we were having a baby on our 4th wedding anniversary. It was very sweet.

15.5 Weeks

Yesterday, we went to the doctor and everything went well. We finally told some more friends and things are starting to seem more real. I've been meaning to track better what is gong on in my pregnancy but I had a fear something would go wrong as soon as I did. Now, I'm feeling better and decided to start writing things down...

How far along? 15.5 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: about 1-2 pounds gained
Maternity clothes? I have been buying a returning jeans like crazy.  Think I finally found some good ones though. I can still fit into my stretchy jeans and loose tops. Also got some tops from Gap on sale last week and my mom bought me a super cute Michael Stars top yesterday after the doctor.

Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Sleeping okay. Go to bed early and wake up often to pee
 Best moment this week: Going to the doctor and hearing the heartbeat. Telling more friends was also exciting.
 Have you told family and friends: We've told a lot of them. Still no facebook announcement or anything.
Miss Anything? Not really. Although there was one time last week when I could have used a glass of wine.
Movement: Nope. I thought I may have felt something the other night but I think it was part of a dream.
Food cravings: Carbs. Its more that I see something (like a chocolate chip muffin in the store) and I must have it. Last night I wanted cheese dip in worst way after driving by my favorite mexican place.
 Anything making you queasy or sick: Random smells--- there was  something in the trash can this morning and sent me running to the toilet for the first time in weeks.
Have you started to show yet:  looking chubby and maybe a little more round.
 Gender prediction: I'm pretty sure it's a girl. Everyone except my neighbor Carrie and Eric thinks girl as well.
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: Actually having a noticeable bump instead of looking like I ate too many donuts. Feeling the baby move.  Our anniversary tomorrow :)

LIfe and Death

Today is an odd day. On one hand, my best friend who was due two weeks after me had her baby this evening.  On the other hand my best friend from childhood, who was due a month after my new due date, had a miscarriage today.

The two events bring up a lot a emotion. I still can't believe that my one friend is a mom. It seems like they just started dating and everything happened so quickly. I can't believe my wild woman of a friend, who would call me on Tuesday mornings to tell me where she passed out last night, is a mom. It's so so weird to me.  Right now things are probably tougher because my career isn't exactly booming. I'm a little lost on what direction to take and I haven't made any money the last past two months. Eric is getting stressed and money (despite a trip to Europe) is starting to get tight. Its only compounding the stress.

The friend that had the miscarriage brings up more emotion as well, it reminds me of the sleepless nights, the crying, the sadness, the feeling of emptiness.

As I look at my stomach, I'm glad a little pooch is forming. Despite the feelings of confusion I'm happy that soon I'll know that feeling of being a mom.

14 weeks

So, I've made it to the second trimester. We've told family and friends and seen the little bean three times now. The last time we went I was around 11.5 weeks. We saw the baby kicking and moving around. Everything looked great.

But now, the throwing up has stopped and a cold has set in. I don't really know how I am supposed to feel and have had a constant worry that maybe something could be wrong. As much as I want to I still don't trust my body. I've actually lost weight in the past few weeks and I worry my bump isn't big enough. I'm starting to worry about every ache and pain (like a light cramp I having now).

Now that we've told so many people it's become more real, making the worry even more. Although I've told some more people,  I freak out about putting it on facebook or letting too many know.  We go back to the doctor a week from Tuesday and I am pretty much counting the hours until we get to hear the heartbeat again. I can't wait to have a sizable bump and be able to feel the baby move. I don't want to wish away the pregnancy but I'm ready to feel more and know everyday that things are okay.

Bittersweet Day

Today, is bittersweet. Today was my original due date for my January pregnancy. Part of me is sad about a life lost, but more then anything I am happy about the life that is growing.

On Tuesday, we went in for our ultrasound and appointment and everything looked perfect. We saw a strong heartbeat (174), kicking arms and legs and a baby that was measuring just like it should. It was a beautiful thing. The ultrasound tech took lots of pictures and even gave us a disc with photos and videos.

When we got back we finally shared the news with close friends and family. It was so surreal to tell people what was going on. My friends, who know about January, were really excited. I've gotten lots of texts and emails just letting me know how they are so happy for us. Eric's mom and grandma seemed happy too. Even my brother was excited and wanted to see the video from the ultrasound. It was so crazy to finally be telling people. It made it all so much more real to share the news.

Today, we also leave for our European vacation. It will be a nice to go away and have one more hoorah.

So while there is some bitter today, its thankfully overshadowed by the sweet.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow we go back to the doctor to get another look at our baby. I should be 11 weeks and 3 days tomorrow.

I'm nervous, anxious, excited and scared at the same time.

The throwing up, exhaustion and growing belly would all suggest things are going as they should. But there is still that part of me that is unsure. It's that same part that doesn't trust my own body and thinks it could once again be playing tricks on me.

Hopefully the appointment goes well and I'll finally allow myself to get a bellyband, break out the other bra and finally let this all soak in. Two days later we leave for Europe so a good doctors appointment is crucial for our trip. I want to enjoy our time there and remember as "the last big trip before we had kids".

Adding to the pressure of a positive doctors appointment is that my childhood best friend is due in May. Our moms are still best friends and I don't think I could handle another friend having a baby right around the time I was supposed to. It's selfish sure. but dealing with it once has been hard enough. I came out strong from it but don't want to do it again.

Tomorrow morning can't come soon enough at this point. I've been counting down the days for weeks and think about it constantly. I'm trying to get past the what ifs and negative thoughts.

Tomorrow, will be a good day.

9w6d

On February 26, 2013 I went to my first doctor's appointment thinking I was 9 weeks and 6 days. It was raining and we had to wait over 45 minutes to be seen. At one point the power even flickered.

We should have left right then.

Once in the room, a picture of our baby was up on the big screen. I was so excited to actually be seeing our little been. As the ultrasound tech was taking measurements I  noticed it was measuring 8 weeks 2 days. It seemed off but I was still optimistic. After a few minutes she told us she needed to call in the doctor because she couldn't find a heartbeat.

Those were some of the longest five minutes of my life.

After the doctor confirmed there was no heartbeat, I sobbed. Still half undressed (in a sweater I've since donated) I sobbed and sobbed. I looked at Eric, I looked at the screen. How did this happen?

Sometimes, I still have a hard time thinking that we've been through that. That that happened to us. February 26th (and 28th) will always hold a different meaning to me now.

Being 9 weeks 6 days also has a new meaning to me.

The worry that things won't go right again and that when I show up in two weeks for my appointment, I'll have the same news. I want that thought to be gone so very badly.

In my heart, I think things are different this time. My body is changing in ways it didn't before. The morning sickness was also comforting. I say was because for the past two days I haven't thrown up (which is only fueling my anxiety). And then there are the not so comforting things, sometimes I worry I have cramps, some nights I have dreams where I have blood in my underwear.

Today, I can't help but to just feel slightly uneasy. Hopefully tomorrow is better and the tomorrows after even better then before.

9w2d

So  a week has passed since we heard the heartbeat and so far, I think things are going well. I've been really sick this past week which is comforting in some odd way. On Wednesday of last week, I could barely get out of bed. Everything I ate came right back up. Friday night was also pretty bad (I learned the hard way that seafood is no longer my friend).

I swear I see a little bump forming and many of my pants are getting hard to button.

Even though all signs seems to be pointing to a healthy pregnancy I still have some worries. In February it wasn't until later this week we found out something was wrong. The idea that my body could still fail me haunts me. Last night I had a dream I saw blood in my underwear, but in my dream I assured myself the doctor said that was okay (which it probably isn't).

So for now, I don't really know what to expect. I'm going to try to stay optimistic and  hope that my body has it figured out this time.

We Heard A Heartbeat

Yesterday, we heard the heartbeat. We could see it right away and the ultrasound tech found it right away. It was loud and clear and made me cry with tears of joy.

Finding the heartbeat was great and such a relief. Of course, I started to worry when she told us it was measuring 7w1d (where I should be 7w6d). Both the doctor and ultrasound tech assured me this was okay and that measurements could be off by up to a week. The ultrasound tech even came back to tell us after our appointment with the doctor that she went and checked everything vs my last ultrasound and that everything was looking great and on target and that we should be "beaming'.

We go again in 3.5 weeks, two days before we leave for Europe. Hopefully, that will be the final validation that I need.

7w6d

Today, is the moment of truth. Today, I go in for my 8 week check-up and by now they should be able to see a heartbeat. I'm so nervous/excited/anxious.

Part of me has a feeling that everything will be okay, I've been throwing up a lot and I swear I see a little bump starting to form (my mom asked if it was from all my snacking). Part of me is also worried that this won't be the consolation I need because last time the fetus stopped growing at 8w2d. I have no idea if they would be able to tell that something was wrong last time, and so that fear is still with me. I don't think until I have a baby in my arms that the feeling of uncertainty will go away.

Besides writing this, I've made a point to make myself busy today. I've "saved" errands for this morning and afternoon so that I have to keep my mind off of things (the appointment is at 1). We also have friends coming in town tonight, so the prep of getting ready for them has been a nice distraction.

My mom is also anxiously awaiting because she wants to be able to tell her best friends. Yesterday, I finally told her about the chemical pregnancy is June. She kept on making comments about how "she never knew it was so hard to pregnant". So, I told her, well for me it's not. This is my third time being pregnant this year and it's only August. Although I didn't want to let her in on that little part of our lives, it shut her up and I think gave her a little more understanding as to why Eric and I are so guarded about everything.

Time to make myself busy!

7w2d

Well, morning/all day sickness has arrived! Last week, I threw up for the first time. I haven't stopped since then. Most of the time it starts out in the morning, and I throw up a couple of times, then I throw up again either in the afternoon or evening.

All this sickness has me thinking that this time really will be different. In January/February I felt great and never got sick. I've been a pukey person all my life so this should have been a giant red flag. I just thought I was one of those people who "felt great" the whole time. So while I don't love the feeling that I think Im going to constantly yak, it is somewhat comforting to know things are different. That and well my boobs, I need a bigger bra for sure. I'm waiting until Friday to go get that.

On Friday, we go for our next ultrasound. Hopefully, we will see something we haven't seen before, a heartbeat. If there isn't one, I don't think I'll ever trust my body again.

I'm being optimistic that there will be though. I've picked out maternity pants (not bought any yet) and am thinking about that new bra. Pants that were big on me earlier this summer, are getting tighter (thanks to being so bloated). Thank goodness I didn't get rid of any of my "fat kid clothes" from last year.

I'm also hoping Friday goes well because we have friends coming in town that night. If things go well we will tell them the good news, if they don't well, they might not want to be around me.  Eric is also really nervous, the mention of the ultrasound is enough to make him anxious.

Worrying won't help though so for now, I just have to stay positive.

6w3d

As far as I can tell things seemed to still be going right along with this pregnancy. My boobs are huge (and often hurt), I'm tired, frequently get hungry and have had a couple waves of naseaus.

It still worries me that in January/February my body didn't know that I had miscarried, the fear of that happening again is pretty real to me and something I find myself worrying about. Most nights I wake up 2-3 times to pee, the nights I only wake up once, I worry that something is wrong. Usually, though the next night the frequent urination starts again.

I told my mom on Sunday that she doesn't need to call everyday to see how I am feeling, because that will only drive me crazy. I didn't hear from her yesterday, so that was a start. I know she means well, but it's a lot.

Honestly, I'm just trying not to think about it too much. Although it's real, I don't think it will feel really real until we see a heartbeat in a week and half. Then, I think I can start to really wrap my head around this.

First Doctor's Appointment

Today, I had my first doctor's appointment.  I was so nervous going into it. I went to my new doctor's office and liked it much better from the start. They didn't have tons of people waiting to be seen, and the decor was fresher. We waited about 10 minutes and then a friendly nurse came in, she went over everything that would be happening that day. Another 5-10 minutes later the doctor came in and went over history and what to expect. Everything was very positive.

At the ultrasound, the doctor came in the room with us to explain what they were seeing, what was so refreshing. She answered questions we had and most importantly said everything was measuring well. It was too early to see a heartbeat or fetal pole, but she explained beforehand that that might be the case. I go back in two weeks to see everything again. The doctor seemed happy with how things were going, said my numbers looked good and everything measured how it should.

After the doctor I called my mom. She had been sitting by the phone and was very anxious.  While I understand this is nerve wrecking for her. I don't think she understands that when she says that to me and makes it all about her, it doesn't sit well with me.

Earlier, I told her she could  tell her two best friends after I went to the doctor. She asked about it again today and since Eric was in the car I asked him about it. He said "not yet". He's still upset that she told so many people after the first miscarriage. Eric basically told no one about it, I told a handful of close friends and my mom told probably 10  people. She had a "reason" she had to tell everyone but still, Eric really didn't like it. I understand why. He's a private person. My mom told not only her best friends but also several neighbors and people I don't even know.

Hopefully this time we wont have any need to worry about that.

5w3d

Today, I am 5 weeks and 3 days. In June I miscarried at 5 weeks 2 days, so the sight of no blood has me feeling better. I still don't trust my body 100% but my numbers last week doubled and my progesterone was in the 40s. All good things.

For the most part I feel pretty good. I can tell exactly when 8pm hits because I am exhausted. I usually can't fall asleep, but my eyelids starts to sting. I've also been really hungry. Like, I need several snacks a day and finally, I'm so gassy. I wake up in the middle of the night with awful gas pains (I got scared two nights ago thinking it was a cramp). but its literally just the worst gas/constipation ever.  Last night, I laid on the bathroom floor because I the cold tile was the only thing that sounded appealing.

Since I have been feeling good, I decided to tell my mom yesterday. She was excited but said she "knew" because I had been in a good mood and my face just looks different. Even though they "knew" my mom had ordered a book on fertility on Friday and was planning on giving it to me this week. I'm so glad that didn't happen. I told my dad that should teach them to mind their own business and he said, "this is our business". I wonder if they would feel differently if they knew about the June mc.

On Friday, I go to my first doctor's appointment. I actually decided to switch practices this time too. It's a decision Eric had been rooting for since the first m/c. The final push was that I called to schedule my 6 week appointment (which I've been told by both the doctor and nurses that I would have) and they didn't have anything available. So, the receptionist called back and said that she talked to my doctor and because the numbers were "so good" that she didn't need to see me until 8 weeks. I wasn't happy with this cop out answer and called another practice that my neighbor and friend go to and got in right away. I know there probably isn't a whole lot the doctor can do this early on, and that we might not even be able to see anything but it made me feel better that I will be seen. I'll be a nervous wreck on Friday for sure.

Today

Today, I go in for my second blood drawing and by this afternoon I'll know if I have a viable pregnancy. To say I'm nervous is an understatement. Everything still feels like it should but, I've also started to trust my body less over the past year.

Yesterday, while shopping with my best friend who is due two weeks after my original due date (Pact Friend) I told her about the good news. She cried, and was so excited. She knows this hasn't been easy and I know she is genuinely happy. I'll be out of the first trimester the around the same day as her due date.

Last night we also went to dinner with my parents. I didn't tell them. Part of me feels guilty and part of me wanted to know for sure before saying anything. Plus, my mom has a tendency (although well meaning) to drive me crazy. I'm already nervous and stressed enough and don't want the extra pressure.

I know my mom will be mad we didn't tell her right away but hopefully my dad can explain it to her and calm her down. For now though, I'm just hoping I have something to tell her :)

Nerves

Yesterday, I went and had my blood drawn, tomorrow I go again to see if the numbers doubled. Even though the test lines were much darker this time, the fear of if not being a viable pregnancy are still haunting me. Until recently, I never knew that this is something I had to worry about. I thought you took a test, it came back positive and 9 months later you have a baby.

I've been proved wrong on that twice now.

I know it wouldn't matter and I need to be patient, but I am so tempted to call my doctor to see what my hcg and progesterone number was yesterday. Last time, my first draw was a 17 and my second was a 13.

I need to remind myself that I need to stop thinking about last time. Or the time before that. This is a new pregnancy and a new life. What happened before shouldn't matter.

Tomorrow afternoon, I hope I can breathe a little sigh of relief, as long as the numbers come back like they are supposed to. Then on to the ultasounds.  I don't think I'll stop being nervous until I have a baby in my arms (and then it will be a new type of nerves). Even Eric said that's how he feels. He can be Mr. Optimism, but our history can make even him nervous.

I don't know if I could handle a third loss in a year. Well, I am sure I could handle it but I would be a mess. Something seemed slightly off from the beginning in the June pregnancy so I am trying to not even count that one. I didn't get as emotionally attached that time. I'm trying to hold off the emotions on this one until I hear my numbers, but I can't help myself.  Maybe it's because I know that if something happens this time, we will start to do testing, and that's scary. I also know that if something happens we need to take a few months off. This is emotionally exhausting a draining.  

Breathe. Just Breathe. Everything will be okay.

Third TIme Is a Charm?

Well, for the third time in 2013 I got a positive pregnancy test this morning.  This morning was a lot like the one in January, the two lines came up right away and were dark (in June it was a light second line).

I'm so excited yet nervous at the same time. I called this morning to schedule blood work for today and once  those numbers look good, I'll schedule my first appointment. Cancelling appointments is no fun so I'd rather wait to make it.

Of course I've already started to worry about when I should tell my parents. We told them the day we found out in January. This time, I think we will wait a little longer (although I know my mom is anxiously awaiting to hear).

I can't help myself but to jump ahead and think about how far a long I will be at certain points in the upcoming year. I know I shouldn't do that but I can't help myself. I have to go about this thinking and knowing that this time will be different. It has to be.

I made it through.

This weekend, I made it through the seemingly impossible--- two baby showers, and visit with a pregnant friend and a baby.

The first shower was the more difficult of the two. It was for a friend due three days after I was supposed to be. The only other two friends of ours that came were two of my friends that are pregnant. I walked in with two big bumps and the baby talk and what's gone on in each of their pregnancies was the major topic of discussion.

The visit to see the friend's baby wasn't bad at all. The mom had a miscarriage and knows all my story and seeing her baby gives me hope.

The visit to see the pregnant friend was probably the second most difficult. She and her husband got pregnant right away and her bump although only 16 weeks along was already showing. She also volunteered to have me host her shower. At one point she complained about her belly band but she caught herself right away. She knows what happened but not the whole history.

Sunday's shower was another one filled with pregnant girls. I was so busy hosting at that one that I didn't have time to be upset.

I had a fear that my AF would come during the shower and I wasn't quite sure how I would be able to cope. Luckily, it didn't (and still hasn't).

Maybe why all these events weren't that bad (and no tears were shed) was because I'm optimistic that I could be pregnant too. I'll probably take a test tomorrow and we'll see what happens.

But for now, I made it though, something a few months ago I'm not sure would have been possible.

August

Today, is August 1st, next month I was supposed to be having a baby but obviously I am not.  Overall, I've been in a pretty good place emotionally recently. I've been up beat and relaxed.

This weekend, will be a true test of just how stable I am feeling. I have a baby shower Saturday morning for a friend due September 29th (three days after I was supposed to be) and I am hosting a shower for my best friend that is due two weeks after I was on Sunday. And if that wasn't enough, in between these two showers I am having dinner with a friend who just announced that she is pregnant. It's like I am glutton for punishment.

Luckily, I am at the end of my cycle right now and waiting to take a hpt next week. The end of my cycle is always a better time for because there is a chance I could be pregnant. If AF decides to show up this weekend instead well then, it could be all over for me. And although the thought of being pregnant excites me, I also know that there is a lot more after that I'll need to face. Getting pregnant is one hurdle, staying pregnant will be much a bigger hurdle.

Part of me wants to take a hpt on Saturday morning before I go to all these showers. A positive would be a relief, a negative would be a heartbreak. I know in my heart though that I need to wait until Wednesday, a day after my AF is supposed to start. I'm going to try my best to hold out for that day.

I feel like I've said this for way too many months now but... here's to August!

Friends

On Thursday before as we were sitting in the airport, getting ready to head out to California for a another wedding, my friend Julie called me to tell me she was pregnant. I had seen in her April and she proudly told everyone that they were trying for a baby. By my math, they got pregnant that month. Although I know lots and lots of girls who are pregnant it was one of the first times a friend had called me to tell me she was pregnant.

We got off the phone and I went to the bathroom and cried. I think I did an okay job keeping it together on the phone but the thought of another pregnant friend, another baby shower and more of the same. And the selfishness--- I was supposed to be next. I've been trying longer. I deserve this.

When I go on Facebook these days, its either friends traveling and having fun or pictures of kids. For the few that don't have kids I find myself looking at their pictures for signs they aren't pregnant (mainly the sight of alcohol). It gives me this odd comfort, like I'm not the only one.

This month, we've taken a lot more relaxed attempt at baby making, While I did go get my "special water" while in Santa Barbara, I've gotten rid of a lot of the extras like ovulation tests, teas and acupuncture.  I'm hoping it does this trick.

If it doesn't, we will likely take a month off and try again in September. We leave for Europe at the end of September so that will be a nice distraction.

Showers

Last week would have marked the start of my third trimester. And while every week has been hard, it really got to me again last week. Nothing about this has been easy but the combination of getting my period and receiving four baby shower invitations was a lot to handle.

The baby shower invitations are for friends all due in September thru November. They are all younger then me and haven't been married as long. Two of them just celebrated a year this spring.

Last night when Eric and I were at dinner, still nursing a hangover from the night before, a happy couple announced to their table of family of friends that they were expecting. I turned to Eric and said, "we just can't get away from it, can we?". After another rough week it wasn't what I needed to hear while I down my coke. Luckily, Eric changed the subject and we focused on our upcoming trip instead. He's good like that.

Sometimes I still look down at my belly I can't believe nothing is there. It's like a wake up and think that this was all a bad dream. I buy baby shower gifts on what seems like a weekly basis and I keep thinking that this should be for me.

Many women who have experienced a loss, say to avoid baby showers. I skipped out on one earlier this year already. Two of the showers I'll go to (because Im hosting one), another I'll probably miss because it's in Charlotte and the the other one, I'm going to wait until the very last day to reply. If I'm pregnant I'll go, if I'm not I'll skip it. Silly but true.

As my would have been due date rapidly approaches, and my uterus is still empty, I'm sad but hopeful. Hopeful that this will be our month and that an April baby is in our future.

On to July....

This weekend we are in Jackson Hole for a wedding. My sore boobs and exhaustion had me fairly convinced I was pregnant. So, on Thursday and Friday night I avoided alcohol, took a nap and skipped on the hot tub.

On Saturday morning I decided to take a pregnancy test. It came back negative. It was the first month that I knew I had ovulated that I got a negative test. While I still held out hope, thinking it was too early to test, I knew what was about to come. And a few hours later it did come, and came in a big way.

So, I had champagne at the wedding and a diet coke the next day at lunch. It was my first time ordering a diet coke since January.

This cycle, I decided to be really strict with myself, no caffeine,  no alcohol, acupuncture once a week, eating oysters and drinking special water at ovulation, drinking fertility tea, eating eggs with omega-3s, adding meat back into my diet and changing my pre-natal.

Eric and I have talked and we decided that this cycle I'm stopping all of that. No more acupuncture or special teas. If I want a diet coke or a starbucks coffee, I'm going to drink it. When I ovulate we aren't rushing around to get oysters or special water.

Once I am finally pregnant, I'll stop the caffeine and alcohol. Until then, I am living life (but still taking my prenatal, of course).

And while I still can't believe we are on month 7 of trying, I have to remember my body has been through a lot. This period is actually my first normal one (not the result of a pregnancy or a crazy cycle) it was 30 days, which is pretty normal for me.

So, I'm hopeful for July.  I've come to grips that I wont be pregnant for any of the weddings we have this year. The baby shower I am hosting for my best friend I know I won't be comforting by the fact that I'm pregnant again too (although I could find out a few days later). 

So, next month, we try again and hope that an April baby is in our future :)

Postives and Negatives

If you asked me 20 minutes ago if I thought I was pregnant my answer would have undoubtedly been "yes". Now, it's a "I'm not so sure".

Last Sunday I took a home ovulation kit (opk) and it was positive. Because I had the strips I continued to take them for six more days and got all positives. Of course, I turned to my friend google, and all the message boards said "you are already pregnant". So of course, that's what I started to believe. I took note that my nipples hurt, my back hurt and that I was tired.

Then this morning, I took one and it came back negative. Which leads me to believe that maybe I am not. Am I once again making things up in my head? Do I want this so bad that I wish symptoms on myself?

So, today I can't help but feel a little deflated. I was sure I was going to get a positive pregnancy test in Jackson Hole this weekend (I even bought a back of tests to pack in my suitcase). But, I'm starting to become less sure.  Partly, because the other thing google said was that several days of +opk could also mean that the egg is having a hard time releasing. If that's the case, who knows what will happen. 
 As I was cooking dinner last night, I was preparing a big pot of pasta and I started think about how I love cooking for a crowd and how I want a house full of kids. Even though I'm only 29, I started to wonder if we should have started trying earlier. Should we have done the standard two year wait and then tried? But then I need to remind myself, we only waited an extra year. And a year in the scheme of things isn't a lot.

So, I'm trying to stay positive about the whole thing, Positives are a good thing. 

The Consolation Prize

On Friday as I was driving to accupunture I came to a conclusion I've needed to come to for awhile. I'm going to calm down. 

This cycle I've already noticed a more relaxed attitude but I'm doing a couple things differently, no alcohol, no tylenol or other medications and drinking this special water my mom brought me. I used ovulation sticks but I didn't pee on them multiple times a day. Just first thing when I get up. I've had positive ovulation strips the past two days and I plan on testing in the morning still just to see how long it lasts (more out of curiosity). 

One of the things that has helped me relax is we booked a trip to Europe for September. We leave the day I would have been due. It will be a very welcome distraction.

Lately, I've spent so much time looking at hotels and things to do in Europe that I haven't had time to think about getting pregnant and it's been really nice. If I do get pregnant this cycle I'll be 16 weeks in Europe. My number one wish is that, that does indeed happen but if it doesn't I need to stay positive and remember that's okay too. I'd love to not drink French wine but if I have a glass because I can, then that's okay too.

I feel like booking this last trip is our send-off. We always said we wanted to go to Europe again (and planned on going this summer or for our 5 year anniversary next year). Hopefully next year we will have a little one and getting to Europe will be a little harder. So, while I won't be having a baby in September I will be getting a pretty good second prize (with the first hopefully coming a few months later).

So next cycle (if there is one), I'm not using ovulation sticks (I've pretty much figured out when that happens), I'm not going to drink special waters or teas, I'm just going to let it happen. One of the reasons I may feel so confident is that I don't think there is going to be another cycle. I really don't. Last month was stressful, and the one before that was too. This month, I'm in a better mood (thanks in part to accupunture) and I'm looking forward to things ahead. This is a good month. 

What If I Was One of Those Women?

Last night we had really really bad thunderstorms. Our dog was shaking in the closet so I went in there to sleep with him. The thunder was loud and the closet is small so of course I got to thinking.

What would life be like if I was one of those women that pregnancy came easy for? What if I was like my mom or several of my friends who "just got pregnant"? How would my life and perspective be different? And why was I one of the chosen ones that didn't get to know that feeling? In a million years I never thought I'd be going through what I am going through right now.

I never thought I'd be one of "those women" who peed on ovulation sticks and joined baby center boards.

I never thought Eric and I would race around town every month near ovulation time looking for oysters (they have the most zinc and are a fertility food).

I never thought we'd be eating pumpkin seeds, downing pomegranate juice and drinking conception tea.

I never thought my mom would send me an email about some water I needed to try because several people got pregnant while drinking it.

I never thought I'd be going to acupuncture and having herbs burned on my stomach.

I never thought I would go through any of this. I thought by now I'd be picking out nursery furniture  and awaiting my baby showers. I thought I'd be fat and happy.

This has been a shock to the system on me. A total reset on how I think about life and they way things work.

As I laid there holding my shaking dog, I thought about what it will be like to feel a baby inside me and then to hold that baby when they are scared. I long for the feeling often.

Someday I hope to appreciate why this happened to me and why getting pregnant again didn't come as easy as the first time.

Until then, I just need to be hopeful that I will indeed know that feeling soon.

Father's Day

Today, is Father's Day and once again we aren't celebrating. Well, we are celebrating with my dad but not with Eric. If this last one had stuck we'd be almost 7 weeks along. Instead, I'm peeing on sticks and hoping for the best for next month.

I still have hope that next year will be Eric's first father's day. We will celebrate with a newborn and the memories of the struggle to get there will be behind us.  I know my body can do this. I just know it can.

Last night we were at a wedding and this woman who was probably 30 weeks along was dancing up a storm. She had so much energy and looked fantastic. Eric was memorized by her (as were a lot of people). And I found myself getting jealous of her. Someone, I had no idea who she was but that she was pregnant and so full of life. Then he said, "I need to take a picture of this".

I held it together. 

And even though I know he didn't mean any harm, I just told him that we don't need pictures of random pregnant women.

I think he understood.

This whole struggle has been really hard on me/us. I'm surrounded by it now matter where I turn.

Last night before the wedding I had one drink and I had another once I got there. Since alcohol really intensifies my emotions I think it's best that I stay away from it. If I had a couple drinks in me when Eric said he wanted to take that picture I might have lost it. And that wouldn't have been good.

So, today on Father's Day I need to remember that our mother's and father's day will come soon and celebrate that.

Accupuncture Round Two

Today, I decided to give acupuncture another try. We went through all my history. I mean all of it, episodes of depression I had after I broke up with my college boyfriend, migraines when I was 6, we talked about it all.

It was kind of like therapy. It was good talking about everything. The accupuncture was painless. She burned herbs and poked me a little bit.

I left in a great mood.

As I was leaving I thought about calling a friend of mine that lived in the area I was in. She had a baby in February and since finding out she was pregnant last June our relationship has changed. She seems more negative. Everything about her baby and her life is a complaint. Instead of calling her I called Eric, we agreed I didn't need to ruin my good vibes with her bad ones.

Like most of my friends, she has no idea what is going on with me. Sometimes I wonder if her attitude would change if she did. Would she appreciate what she has more? With her, it probably wouldn't change anything.

I think of the nice things about talking to the acupuncturist was it was like talking to a friend but without the burden. When I tell my friends about what is going on I feel like it's a lot to handle. I think it's even more to handle because a lot of them have babies or are pregnant.

For now I'm going to go off this positive energy. My acupuncture lady seems optimistic too and that's the kind of energy I need around me !

One Week Later.

On Wednesday of last week my doctor called to tell me I wasn't actually pregnant. At the time I wasn't super upset. I took it as stoically as possible and immediately started to focus on this month.

But now, a week later, I'm starting to get sad again. Sad that another pregnancy failed and that we were once again so close. Two weeks ago we were celebrating. Now, I'm bleeding again and planning how to get pregnant.

For that one blissful week I thought we were past that. I thought I could concentrate on being pregnant instead of getting pregnant.

This past little thing just confirmed how hard this is going to be and even if I do get pregnant this month, I don't think I'll ever forget  or take it for granted anymore.

On Friday I am going to try acupuncture again. I was going to wait another month before starting anything new like that but I'm pretty sure I said the same thing last month and I'm ready to stop thinking about if it doesn't work this month.

Looking Back

Although I often get ahead of myself in thinking, sometimes I can't help but to dwell on the past.

When I was pregnant in January at around 5 weeks I started to have this burning/cramping in my vagina. I called the doctor and they said I needed to come in and that I would need an ultrasound.

I was worried that my insurance hadn't kicked in yet and had read that it was bad to get ultrasounds done so early. So, I didn't go.

I get mad at myself all the time that I didn't go.

My friend Amy once told me that as soon as you get pregnant you need to have your progesterone checked. Could I have had mine checked at that appointment?

Would I have remembered to ask?

Would they have done the blood work?

Would it have made any difference?

Most people I know go in at 8 weeks, I didn't go in until almost 10. I often wonder if that made a difference.

Should I be mad at my doctor?

Would I have seen a heartbeat?

Would we have known something was wrong?

Would things be different now?

I think about things like this all the time. Sometimes I feel my belly and I'm still in shock there isn't a baby there.

Its been 3 months since the miscarriage and I'm still not 100% sure that I've accepted it.

Or that another month of trying has started....

Live in the Now.

When I was 8 weeks pregnant last time, I decided it was time to make make a cute board to document my baby bump. I waited until 8 weeks because I thought that would mean I was "in the clear". Luckily, I waited to take any pictures though.

The board, is a small frame where I drilled two holes on top to hang a ribbon. Since I knew I'd be traveling a lot I thought it would be fun to document the baby bump and travel at the same time. I made the frame into a chalkboard surface and bought little chipboard pieces to symbolize the places we were going.

A palm tree for the Dominican Republic

A heart for my brother's wedding in San Fransisco

Cowboy boots for our trip to Jackson Hole

Another heart for a wedding in Santa Barbara

In my mind it was going to be so cute. I had plans to change the ribbon from grey to pink or blue when we found out the gender and every time I got an ultrasound picture I was going to place it in the frame as well.

I had it all planned out.

I tend to do that though. Plan it all out. My nursery is pretty much designed, names have been picked and I know the diaper bag I want. Only problem is there isn't anything to plan for.

San Fransisco and the DR have already passed. With this CP and long AF I know that I won't be pregnant in Jackson Hole either.

I'm still holding out hope for Santa Barbara.

After the miscarriage we talked a lot about these dates and how far a long I would be. If I had gotten pregnant in April I would have been 13 weeks in Jackson Hole, May would have made me 9 and now I'm hoping for 4.

The idea that I won't be pregnant for any of these events still boggles my mind a little bit. It's as if things had happened in this timeline I'd feel better about everything.

Now, I find myself trying not to think as much about what events I could possibly be pregnant for. But, honestly I can't help myself. I can't help but to count weeks and figure out how far a long I would be at certain times. Like, how if we got pregnant this time then we would be 20 weeks on our 4th wedding anniversary. I can't think of a better anniversary gift then to find out the gender of our baby. I've thought about how we could carve "it's a ___" in a pumpkin.

I've gotten ahead of myself.

I need to do a better job of living in the moment. I need to appreciate what I have around me. I need to think of the fun I'll have all these places and how it's so awesome that we get to explore all these places.

Live in the now.

Optomism.

Today at 3:30pm we were supposed to have another ultrasound. Of course, that's not needed and instead I'll be going in to get my blood drawn to make sure my HcG is back to 0.

We decided not to tell my parents about this pregnancy but I had mentioned to my mom awhile ago that I have a follow up doctors appointment. At one point is was to go over my ovulation testing and then it became the ultrasound test. I knew she'd be suspicious if I told her it was cancelled.

Today, she wants to meet for coffee to talk about the appointment. I know she's just being a concerned parent but really, there is nothing to say. I don't plan on telling her about the CP and when I talked to the doctor last week she just told me we can try again this month. At this point, there is no need for a additional testing or worries. 

My AF this time actually seems the most normal in a long time. The only strange thing was seeing the mucus membrane on Saturday night. That was traumatic. Since then it hasn't been too heavy and the color is bright red. It also seems to be lasting longer then 2 days (I'm on day 4) and I haven't noticed any clots besides the one on Saturday.

All of these things have me once again thinking things are in our favor this month. Eric and I talked a lot about in on Saturday night (his birthday) and we agree I need to calm down. In January things happened easily and that was great. It's been heartbreaking for it not to happen again so easily but it gives me hope it can again.

I'm drinking my fertility tea (because I have a big bag of it) and I'll take the ovulation strips again but besides that I want to go at this in a better frame of mind. It's no longer about will I be pregnant for certain events because at this point I know I probably won't be.

Eric and I have had a great married life together and this is just a hurdle along the way. Maybe things aren't happening as we orgianlly thought but maybe that's okay and for some reason, unknown to us, we have another, better plan coming.

June may be our month. It may not be. Sure, I'll be upset if it isn't but our month and our baby will come.

That's my new attitude and I (need) to stick to it.

The Crying Game.

Well I made it through last night without crying (at dinner at least). Last night we went to dinner with the friend that is due two weeks after I was. I sat next to her as she rubbed her belly and told us about the ultrasound.

I kept my attitude upbeat. I tried my hardest not think about how I was waiting for my period to start after my second failed pregnancy. I tried not to compare "where I would have been in my pregnancy at this point or how I was going to tell her about my new one that night.

Eric said during dinner he saw my eyes well up a few times.I'm glad I held it together though. In the car and that night at home I sobbed and sobbed in my husband's arms. I told him how sad I was, how much I wanted to be a mom and how much I wanted him to be a dad. I cried that I felt guilty things hadn't worked out and that I was the one who had taken so long to be "ready".

My AF still hasn't come but this weekend is Eric's birthday. I need to stop crying (I've ugly cried multiple times the past few days) and focus on him. I know the stress of seeing me upset isn't easy on him. It was also nice for him to recognize (for maybe the first time ever) how difficult last night was for me. That its hard to be around your pregnant friends.

Okay June, let's bring on AF and bring on the baby making. This is our month. 

The Plan

A few years ago Eric and I were taking a walk and I remember having a conversation about kids. At the time he was all for it and I was still a little apprehensive.

I told him things like "after my 30th birthday we can talk about it". At the time I thought we had a lot to see and do. I didn't want to be one of those girls who got married and had babies right away.

We also had another conversation (about two years ago) where we decided we would try after my friends July 2013 Italian wedding. Eric told me, "you better leave Europe pregnant".  That became the new plan.

Here we are a month from the wedding (which has since been moved to California) and 8 months until my 30th birthday and I want a baby. Now.

A major fault in my personality is when I decide I want something I don't stop thinking about. I'm persistent. So last September when I told my doctor we were going to start trying in January I thought that's it. It will happen then.

Tonight, I will find out the gender of my friend's baby who was supposed to be due two weeks after me. When events like this happen I wish I could go back to a year from now. A year ago I was still not ready. Friends having babies didn't make me jealous. I was excited for them but so not ready for me. I often wonder why I wasn't ready but that's just silly.

I remember saying once "when we have a baby it will be an accident because I don't think I'll ever be ready."

Oh how I wish I could eat my words. Baby Fairy---  I"M READY.

I never thought I'd be one of those girls peeing multiple times a day on an ovulation stick. I didn't think I'd be getting my blood drawn every week so see what was going on with me.

I didn't think it would difficult for me to stay pregnant.

Today, I'm waiting for my period to come. Most months I don't want to see it. This month it needs to come soon. I need my body to stop messing with me, and my plan.

I Thought This Would Be Easier

I thought getting pregnant was supposed to be easier. At least that's what it's always seemed to be. The story is supposed to go something like this:

1. Meet a boy and fall in love
2. Marry boy
3. Spend a few weeks/months/years enjoying being married
4. Start "trying"
5. Pop a baby out
6.Two to three years later have another
7. Repeat step 6... maybe.
8. Live happily ever after

I thought that's how our story would go. We did everything we were supposed to do. Got married, had fun for a few years and then bam a baby was supposed to come.

Watching my husband with my handicapped brother over the past few weeks and re-confirmed that I know he'll be a great dad. I know he'll be caring and loving and will do anything for that child. I want to give him that opportunity so bad.

Hearing the news of the chemical pregnancy today was really really scary. What if we can't get pregnant (and stay pregnant) like our friends. What if something is wrong with one of us? What if we can never have a baby?

This is one of those things I thought would be easy. I thought these things just happen.  I never thought I'd be one to miscarry. Even after that I thought I'd get pregnant right away like all my friends.

I thought this would be easier.

When I'm in a store, looking on facebook or see a child anywhere, I want to take the mother and tell her what a miracle that baby is and how lucky she is to be a mom. I know some women get that. Some have been through what I have or their own struggles.

Someday I'll have my miracle.

It won't be easy but it will come.

Not Pregnant.

Well, I'm glad we decided to keep things to ourselves. Turns out, I'm not pregnant. I heard from the doctor today and my HCG went from a 17 on Monday to a 13 today. She thinks the only reason I haven't gotten my period is because of the progesterone I was put on last week.  Because my levels are so low, the doctor is calling it a chemical pregnancy.

When the doctor called I was thinking about how I was going to make a non-alcoholic drink for supper club on Monday. I volunteered to host thinking I could easily hide the fact I wasn't drinking that way. I had already started to think about how nice it was going to be to out of my first trimester when I had all these baby showers to attend in August. I was getting really ahead of myself.

Today, I was also thinking some other things too. Like, how it was odd that I didn't seem that tired or that my nipples stopped hurting.

I'm sad that once again things didn't seem to work out for us. I had dreams of a birthday baby in February. I'm sad that I've been pregnant twice in 2013 and have nothing to show for it.

I'm also worried. I'm worried that this is just the beginning of our troubles. Could there be bigger issues ahead of us?

And most importantly, what's next? Maybe is it time to start seriously looking for a real job? It is time to do something else with my life?

And most of all I wonder... will I ever be a mom?

Five Weeks.

Last week after a faint positive on Wednesday morning, I took two more tests on Thursday night and they came back positive. I'm excited and scared at the same time. This time around we decided not to tell anyone right away. Last time, we told my parents the day we found out.

Since we have known for almost a week and not said anything it's been kind of nice. I actually find myself thinking about it less and there seems to be less pressure. When my parents know talk will turn 100% on baby. With just Eric and I knowing, it can be more in the back of our minds.

When I do start to think about it a lot I get nervous. In some ways things feel the same as they did last time (legs hurting, frequent urination, tender boobs) and that scares me. Scares me that maybe things won't go right again. I'm also more confident though that things will go right. Both times I got pregnant the second month of trying and so I'm thinking I must be pretty healthy and I know the chances of multiple miscarriages is slim. Plus. my doctor is already doing bloodwork, has me on progesterone and I have an ultrasound on Monday.

Monday's ultrasound is what's really exciting/scary to me. I'll be almost 6 weeks and so we should be able to hear a heartbeat. I'm trying not to think about the what ifs but more of the excitement of what that will feel like. I know there is a chance since I ovulated late that we won't be able to detect it at that time. I need to stay positive though. I know this little bean will stick.

In order to keep things relaxed for me, I've also done something different, I haven't added the baby app to my phone. I decided I'll wait until Monday and when everything goes well there, then I will do it. I think we'll also wait to tell my parents until at least then.

So, here we go, starting the journey again (but with a much different end result.... I know it!).

Am I seeing things?

This morning I took a pregnancy test. When Eric went to look at it, he gave me a thumbs down. I was sad but decided to take a look for myself. And I saw something different....

a very faint positive line.

The second line was faint for sure but I've taken  A LOT of these tests and it's the first time since January that I've seen the second line at all. As long as my AF doesn't come in the next day or two I'm going to take another test on Friday to be sure and then call my doctor. Luckily, I have an appointment set for next week already.

As far as symptoms, I've been exhausted (took a nap today) and had tings of naseua throughout the day and generally just haven't felt that great. I hope this is the feelings of early pregnancy and not the beginning of being sick or a really bad period.

The other thing is the tears. I feel like something has made me emotional (like the thought of my grandma or a tv show).

Let's hope I wasn't seeing things!

It is a Roller Coaster

This month has been a roller coaster of emotions. From, getting my period early to it stopping suddenly and thinking it could mean I was pregnant, to go to the doctor and being told I might need medication to be told I hadn't ovulated to now being told I have.

This month, has been crazy. Apparently I am a late ovulater and so my first test on day 18 came back negative for ovulation. The news really upset me (especially since I had a positive OPK).  Luckily, my day 24 test came back positive for ovulation (even though at first the nurse didn't think I had).

While my doctor's office has been good, I don't think they always get the whole story and I find my research is what keeps me going. I knew that after a positive OPK I wouldn't ovulate for 24-36 hours and my progesterone wouldn't rise for another 4-5 days. Since I took the first test the day after my positive OPK there was no way to tell if I had ovulated yet.

I also know, that my last blood work being HCG negative doesnt mean I'm not pregnant. It was only 4-5 days after ovulation and it takes at least 6 to show up in bloodwork. I actually shouldn't have even been tested for HCG.

So, now I am still playing the waiting game. If my cycle stayed the same as last time I would have gotten my AF on Saturday, if it went up to 28 it would have come yesterday. The only thing I have so far is a white discharge. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but at the same time I know it could also mean I am pregnant. Tomorrow, I'll take my first test. If that's negative I'll try again on Friday.

Bad News.

Today my doctor's office called to let me know that I am not ovulating. It was not the news I had been wanting to hear. My progesterone went from .6 to 1.6 in a week. It needs to be a lot higher then that to ovulate.

The positive home ovulation test had totally changed my mood and given me such a bright spot of hope. The negative blood work has sunken me down to my dismal reality once again. It's brought on the tears the frustration and the jealousy. Why has my body decided to fail me now? Why did I think it was staying pregnant and not getting pregnant that was my problem. Is the the universe just laughing at me right now? Is it trying to prove me wrong?

Each month I plan things for the month ahead with the assumption that I'll be pregnant. It's only been 3 months since the miscarriage and 5 months since this journey started. I know it could be a lot longer.

When my doctor ordered all these tests and blood work she said, "my hope is we do all these tests and then rip them up because we don't need them"

You're telling me.

On the bright side my friend google just told me your progesterone doesn't go up until after you have ovulated. Since I got my LH surge the day before my blood work there is a chance it hadn't gone up enough yet... right???

I'm going to stay optimistic.. again.

Nothing Left To Do But Wait

Well, now the only thing left to do is wait. According to my last cycle my period should come on May 27th. But, since things have been so messed up I'm really not sure if that date is right. Plus, I ovulated late (I think) so now we start the two week wait.  I have some blood work scheduled for this week that MAY tell us something but chances are I'll need to wait until the 30th or sometime that week to take a test if I don't get my period before that.

Since, I'm pretty sure I ovulated this time, it's going to be really hard on me if I didn't get pregnant. Having it happen so quickly last time was such a blessing and a curse. I expect it to happen like that again. So far it hasn't but I'm hoping my body is back to normal now and I can go forward.

I admit I googled "how to increase success for implantation" today. It was a bunch of IVF sites. Something, that doesn't apply to me. Next week I need to stand strong and not google "early pregnancy signs'. I know by now that just about everything can be an early sign and that my body likes to play tricks on me.

So here's to waiting (and hoping).

Another Kind of Positive

Yesterday, we finally got a positive test. A positive ovulation test! My friend Amy had told me I'd know it was positive when I saw it and boy was she right!

The test was so reassuring. Last month I never saw one and so it felt good to finally have that little pee stick of confirmation. I still went for blood work today but I am fairly confident I am ovulating (just late in my cycle).

And while the positive test was exciting it's also put a little bit of a damper on things here. I of course want to BD all weekend to improve our chances but we've only had one successful time out of numerous attempts over the past few days. We can get started but just cant seem to finish. I've pulled out the lingerie, turned on music and done everything I can think of.

For years we've pretty much only had sex when my husband has come on to me. Now, that the tables are turned we are having some trouble achieving the end result we are looking for. I'm trying to be patient and I know he is starting to feel a little used and abused but today I actually got mad at him. Like, that I wasn't good enough, sexy enough or trying hard enough. The feeling sucked and we both left the conversation feeling deflated and beat down. It wasn't a good table.

Hopefully, things will turn soon. I'm thinking a day off and a bottle of wine might be just what we need...

Job

On January 8, 2013 I was let go from my job. On January 21, 2013 I found out I was pregnant. The timing seemed all too perfect. I always knew that when babies came along the job I had wouldn't be a good fit for our family (long travel hours, not great pay, limited vacation and no maternity leave). I also knew that I always wanted to have an "at home business"  and this would be the perfect time to start working on that. I'd have 9 months to ramp up and work from home before a little peanut came along. I didn't even bother looking for a job because I knew I didn't want to work in an office setting.

Well, here we are five months later and I still haven't applied for one job and there is no baby in the belly. That's not to say I don't work, I've been doing graphic design work on the side and making a little extra money doing that. If I can drum up enough business I fully intend on making it my full time career.

In some ways its been a good time not to be working though. I couldn't imagine having to take a week off after my d&c and explaining to my boss what happened. It's also made it easier to get in to doctor's appointments and schedule blood work.

In other ways it hasn't been so good. Some days I feel like researching pregnancy and ovulation cycles has become my job. I've become obsessed. I plan my day around when I can pee on another ovulation stick and google at least three things a day. If I was in an office I wouldn't be able to do this (or maybe I would--- but would probably get fired pretty quickly).

Yesterday, I was working on several graphic design projects and realized something -- this was the first day in a long time that I actually spent doing the work I am supposed to be doing. If I put half as much energy into this as I have researching and ready baby forums I might have half a shot at this whole graphic design thing. So this is my resolution. I am going to allow myself 15 30 minutes a day to focus on baby making. No more reading blogs and forums all day. I'm going to work on myself and my my business in a much healthier way.

What He Doesn't Know

For the most part, I try to be really open with my husband about trying to conceive.  I tell him most everything, but not everything.

I know he really wants to be part of the process but I think its also a little overwhelming to him. He wants to know if I take a pregnancy test and be there with me when I take it. I found this out when I was pregnant last time and took a HPT when he was at work. The test came back negative so I didn't say anything but he saw the box open and asked. That one negative test has actually fueled my need to take lots of tests and not believe negative ones. Which brings us to the things he doesn't know.

1. He doesn't know that I've taken 6 or 7 tests this month. He doesn't know I took one on Mother's Day because I hadn't heard from my doctor and thought it would be the most wonderful mother's day surprise.

2. He doesn't know that I ordered and started taking a fertility tea. I found it on amazon and figured it was worth a shot.

3. He doesn't know that many days I take multiple ovulation tests. Some days it's as many as three. I take them because I don't see the positive tests and I think it will change during the day.

4. He doesn't know about the breakdowns that still happen on a weekly basis. He knows I'm not 100% but he doesn't know that some days I just cry and cry. Like yesterday, I cried for hours.

5. He doesn't know that I've started this journal. This is an outlet for me and I like to be able to go through and re-read all the emotions I am feeling at a particular time.

He doesn't know these things because I am afraid he'll think I am crazy and tell me I need to relax. And I know he's right but right now I just don't want to hear it.

Mother's Day

Yesterday, was mother's day. In some ways it was a brutal reminder of what I am not and in other ways it was a good reminder that we haven't (at this point) been struggling with this for long.

Last year, mother's day was just another day to me. I wasn't longing to be a mother or worried about what was ahead. I was unaware of challenges and blissfully optimistic. I thought this was going to be a lot easier.

We are just in the beginning of this journey. This is the first month I'll be doing blood work and this is the first month that the worry of it may not be as fertile as I thought. I came across a post on another blog today about a "mama in waiting". She's been struggling for years and although our struggle has only been a few months (and of a different kind), I still relate.  And while the message of being thankful was really wonderful, I also related to this...

"Don't hesitate to invite us into your fun little baby-centric world, because sometimes, depending on the balance of hormones and the phase of the moon, we just may be all about it. We may be able to engage in hours of happy new-mom talk, analyzing sleep cycles and debating the merits of different brands of diapers. And we probably would love to hold your baby (and there's about a 95% chance we won't try to kidnap him). But try not to be offended on the days when we can't. Because sometimes we can't. And it doesn't mean we don't love you or your baby, it just means we can't do it. Love us anyway."

 Tonight, I am going to dinner with six girlfriend. Two have young kids, one is pregnant and another is baby obsessed. I know we'll talk about babies and kids. We always do. And while I used to be all about it, these past couple of weeks have been rough and I'm really not sure I can handle it.  I actually messaged a friend to see if she wouldn't mind helping to change the subject sometimes if it became all baby talk. My emotions have been so out of check recently, and I really don't trust myself not to break down. Hours of baby talk could result in another breakdown, Kind of like I am having right now.

Emotionally, I've been a wreck these past couple of weeks.  For awhile I was doing really well. not crying much and focusing on the future.  But since  the emotional roller coaster of starting my period, then not being sure it is my period, to going to the doctor to have an ultrasound of my empty uterus to starting the blood work, it's been a lot.

I know I am being impatient. I know I am being fragile. I know crying doesn't help anything. I know that next month all these tears could be for nothing. I know that this really might just be the beginning of the tears and frustrations.  But most of all I know I will be thankful when I can celebrate mother's day in a whole new way.

Sympathy Needed.

Today I went to the doctor and was told that besides a bacterial infection that everything looked fine. Which was a good thing but still doesn't explain the random period and cramps. It's still unclear if I'm ovulating either. Tests were ordered and a follow up appointment was made.

Physically, everything seems to be going okay. Emotionally, I was a wreck. Being surrounded by pregnant women can do that to you. First, I had to go to the ultrasound waiting area, where expectant mom's were handed photos of their babies. One women even told the doctor that walked by, "she was the most fertile person in the world." And while I pretty much held it together there, once back in the nurses station I started to cry. Being there was a lot to handle. I should have been there this week to find out the gender of the baby, not to check my empty uterus. I cried again when I was back with the doctor. The loss and hurt and was a lot to handle and the unexplained problems don't make anything better.

I texted my husband to let him know I had been crying and called him when the appt was over. I explained all the tests that had to be done and the blood I had to get drawn.  At times like this I crave his sympathy. Instead of sympathy he told me about the cute way a co-worker announced her pregnancy on facebook today.  That's great and all but does he realize, I'm not pregnant and how we announce it is pretty far down on our list to think about now? The other thing that upset me was that he didn't offer to cancel his lunch plans with a friend to come talk to me. He knew I had been upset, and am going through A LOT. In fact these past two weeks have been some of the most trying. I just wanted him to offer to cancel lunch. Just to show me he cared.

Of course, this is the same man who went on a guys trip 8 days after my d&c and when I texted him to tell him I was bleeding, he never answered. Now don't get me wrong, 95% of the time my husband is a loving and great guy. But the times he isn't is when he gets sucked in by his friends. I want him to be able to recognize when I need him without me telling him. I want him to sympathize with my pain, understand my worry and ease my fears. I want to feel less alone.

In many ways this whole ordeal has brought us closer together. I tell him more about what's going on with me then I ever have but  in other ways it's brought out one of the biggest faults in our relationship, a lack of compassion and an over loyalty to friends.

Scared.

Tomorrow I am going to the doctor. I've taken enough pregnancy tests to know I'm not pregnant but I can't help but to feel something is wrong.

I just feel it.

Hopefully it will be nothing, but I have cramping again and things just don't seem to feel like they should. I called my doctor's office today and  they want me to come in for an ultrasound. I really thought the next time I'd be getting one of those it would be for something else...

I know this is nothing to be scared of and its probably going to be something they will see from the ultrasound.

But then again if it something more serious (thanks google) I wonder how that will affect future plans.

Oh no. Im getting myself worked up.

Stop it.

All Consuming.

This morning I took another test and it came out negative. I'm giving it one more shot tomorrow and then I know I need to move on (tomorrow I'll test with first response, today it was the dollar store brand--- all these tests are getting expensive).

And while I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I'm not pregnant (you'd think after six negative tests I'd be coming around). I can't help but to feel something just isn't right. It's been 5 weeks since my last full period and I just don't feel like everything is in sync. First, the crazy short period, now its the super frequent urination (like 3 times before I've even had anything to drink) and now I have these weird cramps. They are almost like period cramps but lighter and lower.

My body is tricking me and my mind is consumed by it. I've done way too much googling, I've read way too many message boards. I can't stop thinking about it. Something just isn't adding up for me here and I want to figure it out.

Sunday is Mother's Day and I so desperately wanted to tell my mom I was pregnant again this weekend. It would be the best gift I could ever think of. Sadly, I don't think that will be the case.

In honor of mother's day, my friend sent me a poem from her church bulletin. And while I'm sad this won't be my "first mother's day". I have to start moving on and remembering that it will come...


The Wide Spectrum of Mothering

To those who gave birth this year to their first child
we celebrate with you

To those who lost a child this year
we mourn with you

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains
we appreciate you

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away
we mourn with you

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment
we walk with you.

Forgive us when we say foolish things.
We don’t mean to make this harder than it is

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms
we need you

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children
we celebrate with you

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children
we sit with you

To those who lost their mothers this year
we grieve with you

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother
we acknowledge your experience

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of
motherhood
we are better for having you in our midst

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children
we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be

To those who step parent
we walk with you on these complex paths

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren, yet that dream is not to be
we grieve with you

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year
we grieve and rejoice with you

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising
we anticipate with you

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you.

By Amy Young

A Glimmer...

On Friday, fuel was added to my crazy fire.

And a glimmer of hope was ignited.

On Friday, I called my OBGYN to ask the nurse about my irregular cycles. My last two periods post d&c were really really heavy. Like, crazy heavy with lots of cramps. On Tuesday night I started my period and by Thursday afternoon it had pretty much stopped. My period is usually 5-7 days long so this was really weird also, I had cramps before the bleeding but nothing the day of (which was really weird). So, I called the nurse to see if she thought I needed to come see the doctor. She asked me some questions and said it's either one of two things.

1. My cycle is really irregular since the miscarriage and this is just a product of that. If this continues next month she told me I'll need to come in to get a chemically started period.

and then the glimmer...

2. It could be implantation bleeding. Implantation bleeding = Pregnancy.

:)

She said that a pregnancy test wouldn't show up positive yet and to re-test in 3-4 days.  So, on Tuesday I'll re-test. I'm nervous and anxious all at once.  I want it so bad to be option two but I'm also trying to be realistic. I'm afraid I bled too much for it to by implantation bleeding and I did see a bit of fresh blood once (most of it was dark though).

My emotions have been on a roller-coaster and so I'm a little worried what I will feel like if it turns out this is just my period. I'm mentally preparing myself to see another negative. I really am, but now its going to be a really rough day if it is negative. I keep reminding myself the reasons why it probably will be negative. But I'm holding out hope to.

Maybe all our dreams will come true this month.

Four Negatives

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." 

Taking four pregnancy tests in one week (and getting a negative each time). Is pretty much when you know you are insane. I took my first one on friday before the the bachlorette party, another one on Monday when I was having terrible back pains and then two this morning after my period suddenly stopped after two days (damn google). The first test this morning was a cheap-o dollar store one so I decided it couldn't be trusted even though it read clear as day that it was negative. 

I'm not pregnant but every ache, stop of bleeding or nap in the middle of the day, makes me think I am. It's a cruel cruel joke I play on myself and I don't know what will make me stop thinking I am.  Even as I write this today I know I'll take another test on Tuesday before my fertility massage.  

With my husband out of town and having the four negative tests I'm loosing some of my drive. I want to eat junk food instead of kale and I want to lay in bed instead of going to yoga. I know eating healthy and exercising are good for the long run but for right now I can only think of how those things didn't matter and how laying in bed and being a slug just feels like a better option.  I don't even want to see friends at this point. Maybe because all my friends have kids or are pregnant. Maybe because I feel so alone and sad. 

When I was pregnant I looked and felt fantastic. I was finally doing what I was always meant to do and my body felt fulfilled. Now, that that feeling is gone, when I'm alone, I seem to lack any motivation what so ever. I'm having a pity party and I don't know how to stop it. I should be focusing on growing my business and relationships but all I can think about it what is not growing.

For the most part I hide it well, but I'm so angry, sad and well depressed. My tear ducts are in overload and my heart feels empty. The negative test(s) this week have only amplified it. I haven't cried this much in a long time (if ever). 

How do I move on? How can I feel I have a purpose once again? 

I know one way but since my body seems to have other ideas I need to find something else....

Happy Birthday to You

On my birthday one of my best friends told me she was pregnant. Three month's later, it's her birthday and she's still pregnant and I am not. For some reason, it's hitting me really really hard. Maybe it's because I thought April was going to be our month and that I too would be pregnant right now.

I'm so sad today. So, so sad. 

Sometimes I feel the only two emotions I have anymore are sadness and jealousy.  I'm jealous of friends with kids and REALLY jealous of friends that are pregnant. Today, I was on a college campus and couldn't help but to be jealous of the college girls, young, unafraid and not even thinking about the troubles that may lay ahead. I want to be that naive again.

I'm taking a lot of my frustrations out on my husband.  It's not his fault but I am having a hard time being nice to him. Maybe its because I want him to be more compassionate towards me. Or maybe I find that it's easiest to blame him.

I know that this is just the beginning and that once we are pregnant that things won't always go as planned and we will face other problems. I need to get over this "why me" attitude. I need to move on. And maybe I can't move on completely but today I need to stop being so sad, so jealous and so angry. Oh yeah, anger that's my other emotion.

Maybe May?

Well the optimism didn't work. My period is here and we didn't get pregnant last month.

A few years ago I remember telling my husband that I had a fear I'd have trouble getting pregnant. I think its a fear that most women have. And while I meant it when I said it, I don't think I actually believed it.

I never thought after five months I wouldn't be pregnant (or that I would get pregnant and loose it). So many people have told me that you are "so fertile" after a miscarriage.  It seems like the women I know all got pregnant the first month of trying after a miscarriage. Apparently that won't be the case for us. I'm having a really hard time coming to grips with that.  In my mind if we got pregnant in April I would still be pregnant for many of the things I had planned on being pregnant for. Which, for some dumb reason is so important to me. Maybe important is the wrong word, reassuring is probably a better one.  Reassuring that we aren't that far off our schedule and our plans ahead.

I've been really sad, my friends are all pregnant or have kids, and its the one thing I want but can't have right now. From the outside, we seem to have it all, nice cars, nice house, we've traveled all over, my husband has a great job and I'm starting a career of my own. But on the inside, we are hurting. I'm hurting a lot. Another month not being pregnant makes the hurt worse.

So, April wasn't our month but maybe May is.

May is.

Google it.

I've once again convinced myself that I am pregnant even though all the signs are pointing otherwise. On Friday I thought there was a good chance I was a pregnant, I took a test and it came out negative. Cramping and a sore back had me once again thinking I was pregnant on Monday, so I took another test and it was negative. Today, I have the same cramping but it's accompanied by a light brown discharge. Which means my period is probably about to start. When I first noticed the brown discharge, I started to ball.

I thought this was going to be month. April was supposed to be our month.

And while I know two negative tests and a brown discharge means this probably isn't our month, I did something I shouldn't have done and googled, "light brown discharge". Just like most things in life, a light brown discharge could mean early pregnancy.  But then again just about everything could mean early pregnancy. The amount of symptoms you can google and think you are pregnant are crazy.

I have a tendency to google everything. It's a bad habit. When I was pregnant last time I googled every little thing. Mostly things like why I was peeing so much, or why I was so cold all the time. Of course I got a range of answers, most of the time the answer was, "everything should be fine" to the occasional "it could be a sign of a miscarriage".  Reading those I didn't believe that it was the later and now I'd give anything to have the brown discharge mean I am pregnant.

Being pregnant before I remember a lot of things that felt and happened before, the feeling like I was always about to start my period (check), the white vaginal discharge (check) and the frequent urination (check). Right now, Im trying to stay optimistic, I keep telling myself I can cry when I see the blood. But until then I need to be thinking positive. I need to be thinking that I will be pregnant at my brother's wedding at the end of may, I'll be telling people at the wedding in Jackson Hole and sporting a new bump at the Santa Barbara wedding at the in end of July.  It's silly things to think about but its the only thing that gets me through these days.

If my period does start tomorrow, I need to remember to stay optimistic then too. We will be pregnant someday. Hopefully that day is just sooner then later.

The Breakdown.

On Friday I had a bit of a breakdown. Several of my college friends were in town for a bachlorette party. Since most of these girls aren't even married I thought I'd be safe from the "when are you going to have kids" conversation.  Well after one friend volunteered that they were trying another asked, "so who is going to be pregnant or have a baby by this time next year?". I tried to keep my mouth shut but I could feel the tears starting to form. After not saying much, I was asked directly by the same friend, I tried the whole "when the timing is right" or saying generic stupid things that didnt make a lot of sense and before I knew it, I had burst into tears and told them all I had a miscarriage.

I get asked that question all the time, but this was the first time I just burst into tears about it. Unfortunately for me, it was in front of 8 people. Not exactly, the way to keep something private should go. But, I didn't let them know a lot of details, just that it had happened and that it's been really tough. I hadn't thought of this but another friend later pointed out that if statistics are right at least one of these girls will also go through what I did so, at least now they know someone else has gone through it too.

Slowly more and more people are starting to know and find out. It's kind of weird that "our little secret" is becoming more out in the open.

One Line.

This morning I took a pregnancy test and it came back negative. Of course, I had once again convinced myself that it was going to be positive. Yesterday, I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, my back still hurts and the frequent peeing seems to be back. I should know by know that these are head games I play with myself but I thought this was going to be different.

This weekend I am hosting a bachlorette party and I in my head I had the email constructed to all my friends before the wedding in July telling them "I found out the morning of the party" and that I "hid it so well". I was already thinking of the non-alcoholic beers and club sodas I would be ordering. I got ahead of myself.

I promised my husband that when I took the test if it came back negative I wouldn't be upset. But, Im crying right now (but luckily he is already at work). Seeing the negative brings back a flood of emotions of what I loss and what's not there yet.

I'm trying to stay optimistic that this will in fact be "the month". On the positive side of thinking last time I took a test on Tuesday and it was negative and by Sunday it was positive. So, it could just be too early (my cycle is so out of whack that who knows when my next period will be). On the negative I'm not even sure I'm ovulating. I've taken 14 ovulation tests and none of them come back looking like I have ovulated. We've decided to hold off using them for awhile and just do it the old fashion way. Talk to me in a few months (if I'm not preggo) and see if I feel the same way.

This weekend is going to be real interesting for me. Only one girl out of the 10 going know about the miscarriage. Babies often are the topic of conversation with friends but I'm hoping it doesn't come up too much. I need to remember that alcohol makes me emotion and given my emotional state this morning I need to be careful of that. Plus, I could be pregnant..... right?

Pressure.

At this point I can't even keep track of all the people I know expecting babies between September and November this year. I want to say the count is somewhere around 12 or 13. I'm sure more will be coming too.

When we first started talking about wanting to expand our family I knew one person who was pregnant. Now, it seems like everyone had the same idea as us as far as timing which if course hasn't made this an easier but has also added a certain pressure to the whole thing.

When I look on facebook I have three groups of friends, married with kids, single and married without kids. The married without kids group seems to be getting smaller and smaller. I'm only 29 but I wonder if the singles and married without kids are feeling the same pressure I am. If I was single would I be thinking "I really need to get married". For the past three and half years we've really enjoyed our marriage and done lots of great things.

 Im trying to stay relaxed about the whole thing.

On Friday, Im going to allow myself to take a pregnancy test. At this point I have no idea what it will come back as. I think going away to the DR was a great thing for us because we were so relaxed and trying was "fun". I worry though that if we aren't pregnant the pressure will just increase and the fun may quickly go.