The Plan

A few years ago Eric and I were taking a walk and I remember having a conversation about kids. At the time he was all for it and I was still a little apprehensive.

I told him things like "after my 30th birthday we can talk about it". At the time I thought we had a lot to see and do. I didn't want to be one of those girls who got married and had babies right away.

We also had another conversation (about two years ago) where we decided we would try after my friends July 2013 Italian wedding. Eric told me, "you better leave Europe pregnant".  That became the new plan.

Here we are a month from the wedding (which has since been moved to California) and 8 months until my 30th birthday and I want a baby. Now.

A major fault in my personality is when I decide I want something I don't stop thinking about. I'm persistent. So last September when I told my doctor we were going to start trying in January I thought that's it. It will happen then.

Tonight, I will find out the gender of my friend's baby who was supposed to be due two weeks after me. When events like this happen I wish I could go back to a year from now. A year ago I was still not ready. Friends having babies didn't make me jealous. I was excited for them but so not ready for me. I often wonder why I wasn't ready but that's just silly.

I remember saying once "when we have a baby it will be an accident because I don't think I'll ever be ready."

Oh how I wish I could eat my words. Baby Fairy---  I"M READY.

I never thought I'd be one of those girls peeing multiple times a day on an ovulation stick. I didn't think I'd be getting my blood drawn every week so see what was going on with me.

I didn't think it would difficult for me to stay pregnant.

Today, I'm waiting for my period to come. Most months I don't want to see it. This month it needs to come soon. I need my body to stop messing with me, and my plan.