What If I Was One of Those Women?

Last night we had really really bad thunderstorms. Our dog was shaking in the closet so I went in there to sleep with him. The thunder was loud and the closet is small so of course I got to thinking.

What would life be like if I was one of those women that pregnancy came easy for? What if I was like my mom or several of my friends who "just got pregnant"? How would my life and perspective be different? And why was I one of the chosen ones that didn't get to know that feeling? In a million years I never thought I'd be going through what I am going through right now.

I never thought I'd be one of "those women" who peed on ovulation sticks and joined baby center boards.

I never thought Eric and I would race around town every month near ovulation time looking for oysters (they have the most zinc and are a fertility food).

I never thought we'd be eating pumpkin seeds, downing pomegranate juice and drinking conception tea.

I never thought my mom would send me an email about some water I needed to try because several people got pregnant while drinking it.

I never thought I'd be going to acupuncture and having herbs burned on my stomach.

I never thought I would go through any of this. I thought by now I'd be picking out nursery furniture  and awaiting my baby showers. I thought I'd be fat and happy.

This has been a shock to the system on me. A total reset on how I think about life and they way things work.

As I laid there holding my shaking dog, I thought about what it will be like to feel a baby inside me and then to hold that baby when they are scared. I long for the feeling often.

Someday I hope to appreciate why this happened to me and why getting pregnant again didn't come as easy as the first time.

Until then, I just need to be hopeful that I will indeed know that feeling soon.