Well, I'm glad we decided to keep things to ourselves. Turns out, I'm not pregnant. I heard from the doctor today and my HCG went from a 17 on Monday to a 13 today. She thinks the only reason I haven't gotten my period is because of the progesterone I was put on last week. Because my levels are so low, the doctor is calling it a chemical pregnancy.
When the doctor called I was thinking about how I was going to make a non-alcoholic drink for supper club on Monday. I volunteered to host thinking I could easily hide the fact I wasn't drinking that way. I had already started to think about how nice it was going to be to out of my first trimester when I had all these baby showers to attend in August. I was getting really ahead of myself.
Today, I was also thinking some other things too. Like, how it was odd that I didn't seem that tired or that my nipples stopped hurting.
I'm sad that once again things didn't seem to work out for us. I had dreams of a birthday baby in February. I'm sad that I've been pregnant twice in 2013 and have nothing to show for it.
I'm also worried. I'm worried that this is just the beginning of our troubles. Could there be bigger issues ahead of us?
And most importantly, what's next? Maybe is it time to start seriously looking for a real job? It is time to do something else with my life?
And most of all I wonder... will I ever be a mom?
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