Live in the Now.

When I was 8 weeks pregnant last time, I decided it was time to make make a cute board to document my baby bump. I waited until 8 weeks because I thought that would mean I was "in the clear". Luckily, I waited to take any pictures though.

The board, is a small frame where I drilled two holes on top to hang a ribbon. Since I knew I'd be traveling a lot I thought it would be fun to document the baby bump and travel at the same time. I made the frame into a chalkboard surface and bought little chipboard pieces to symbolize the places we were going.

A palm tree for the Dominican Republic

A heart for my brother's wedding in San Fransisco

Cowboy boots for our trip to Jackson Hole

Another heart for a wedding in Santa Barbara

In my mind it was going to be so cute. I had plans to change the ribbon from grey to pink or blue when we found out the gender and every time I got an ultrasound picture I was going to place it in the frame as well.

I had it all planned out.

I tend to do that though. Plan it all out. My nursery is pretty much designed, names have been picked and I know the diaper bag I want. Only problem is there isn't anything to plan for.

San Fransisco and the DR have already passed. With this CP and long AF I know that I won't be pregnant in Jackson Hole either.

I'm still holding out hope for Santa Barbara.

After the miscarriage we talked a lot about these dates and how far a long I would be. If I had gotten pregnant in April I would have been 13 weeks in Jackson Hole, May would have made me 9 and now I'm hoping for 4.

The idea that I won't be pregnant for any of these events still boggles my mind a little bit. It's as if things had happened in this timeline I'd feel better about everything.

Now, I find myself trying not to think as much about what events I could possibly be pregnant for. But, honestly I can't help myself. I can't help but to count weeks and figure out how far a long I would be at certain times. Like, how if we got pregnant this time then we would be 20 weeks on our 4th wedding anniversary. I can't think of a better anniversary gift then to find out the gender of our baby. I've thought about how we could carve "it's a ___" in a pumpkin.

I've gotten ahead of myself.

I need to do a better job of living in the moment. I need to appreciate what I have around me. I need to think of the fun I'll have all these places and how it's so awesome that we get to explore all these places.

Live in the now.