Friends

On Thursday before as we were sitting in the airport, getting ready to head out to California for a another wedding, my friend Julie called me to tell me she was pregnant. I had seen in her April and she proudly told everyone that they were trying for a baby. By my math, they got pregnant that month. Although I know lots and lots of girls who are pregnant it was one of the first times a friend had called me to tell me she was pregnant.

We got off the phone and I went to the bathroom and cried. I think I did an okay job keeping it together on the phone but the thought of another pregnant friend, another baby shower and more of the same. And the selfishness--- I was supposed to be next. I've been trying longer. I deserve this.

When I go on Facebook these days, its either friends traveling and having fun or pictures of kids. For the few that don't have kids I find myself looking at their pictures for signs they aren't pregnant (mainly the sight of alcohol). It gives me this odd comfort, like I'm not the only one.

This month, we've taken a lot more relaxed attempt at baby making, While I did go get my "special water" while in Santa Barbara, I've gotten rid of a lot of the extras like ovulation tests, teas and acupuncture.  I'm hoping it does this trick.

If it doesn't, we will likely take a month off and try again in September. We leave for Europe at the end of September so that will be a nice distraction.

Showers

Last week would have marked the start of my third trimester. And while every week has been hard, it really got to me again last week. Nothing about this has been easy but the combination of getting my period and receiving four baby shower invitations was a lot to handle.

The baby shower invitations are for friends all due in September thru November. They are all younger then me and haven't been married as long. Two of them just celebrated a year this spring.

Last night when Eric and I were at dinner, still nursing a hangover from the night before, a happy couple announced to their table of family of friends that they were expecting. I turned to Eric and said, "we just can't get away from it, can we?". After another rough week it wasn't what I needed to hear while I down my coke. Luckily, Eric changed the subject and we focused on our upcoming trip instead. He's good like that.

Sometimes I still look down at my belly I can't believe nothing is there. It's like a wake up and think that this was all a bad dream. I buy baby shower gifts on what seems like a weekly basis and I keep thinking that this should be for me.

Many women who have experienced a loss, say to avoid baby showers. I skipped out on one earlier this year already. Two of the showers I'll go to (because Im hosting one), another I'll probably miss because it's in Charlotte and the the other one, I'm going to wait until the very last day to reply. If I'm pregnant I'll go, if I'm not I'll skip it. Silly but true.

As my would have been due date rapidly approaches, and my uterus is still empty, I'm sad but hopeful. Hopeful that this will be our month and that an April baby is in our future.

On to July....

This weekend we are in Jackson Hole for a wedding. My sore boobs and exhaustion had me fairly convinced I was pregnant. So, on Thursday and Friday night I avoided alcohol, took a nap and skipped on the hot tub.

On Saturday morning I decided to take a pregnancy test. It came back negative. It was the first month that I knew I had ovulated that I got a negative test. While I still held out hope, thinking it was too early to test, I knew what was about to come. And a few hours later it did come, and came in a big way.

So, I had champagne at the wedding and a diet coke the next day at lunch. It was my first time ordering a diet coke since January.

This cycle, I decided to be really strict with myself, no caffeine,  no alcohol, acupuncture once a week, eating oysters and drinking special water at ovulation, drinking fertility tea, eating eggs with omega-3s, adding meat back into my diet and changing my pre-natal.

Eric and I have talked and we decided that this cycle I'm stopping all of that. No more acupuncture or special teas. If I want a diet coke or a starbucks coffee, I'm going to drink it. When I ovulate we aren't rushing around to get oysters or special water.

Once I am finally pregnant, I'll stop the caffeine and alcohol. Until then, I am living life (but still taking my prenatal, of course).

And while I still can't believe we are on month 7 of trying, I have to remember my body has been through a lot. This period is actually my first normal one (not the result of a pregnancy or a crazy cycle) it was 30 days, which is pretty normal for me.

So, I'm hopeful for July.  I've come to grips that I wont be pregnant for any of the weddings we have this year. The baby shower I am hosting for my best friend I know I won't be comforting by the fact that I'm pregnant again too (although I could find out a few days later). 

So, next month, we try again and hope that an April baby is in our future :)

Postives and Negatives

If you asked me 20 minutes ago if I thought I was pregnant my answer would have undoubtedly been "yes". Now, it's a "I'm not so sure".

Last Sunday I took a home ovulation kit (opk) and it was positive. Because I had the strips I continued to take them for six more days and got all positives. Of course, I turned to my friend google, and all the message boards said "you are already pregnant". So of course, that's what I started to believe. I took note that my nipples hurt, my back hurt and that I was tired.

Then this morning, I took one and it came back negative. Which leads me to believe that maybe I am not. Am I once again making things up in my head? Do I want this so bad that I wish symptoms on myself?

So, today I can't help but feel a little deflated. I was sure I was going to get a positive pregnancy test in Jackson Hole this weekend (I even bought a back of tests to pack in my suitcase). But, I'm starting to become less sure.  Partly, because the other thing google said was that several days of +opk could also mean that the egg is having a hard time releasing. If that's the case, who knows what will happen. 
 As I was cooking dinner last night, I was preparing a big pot of pasta and I started think about how I love cooking for a crowd and how I want a house full of kids. Even though I'm only 29, I started to wonder if we should have started trying earlier. Should we have done the standard two year wait and then tried? But then I need to remind myself, we only waited an extra year. And a year in the scheme of things isn't a lot.

So, I'm trying to stay positive about the whole thing, Positives are a good thing.