Am I seeing things?

This morning I took a pregnancy test. When Eric went to look at it, he gave me a thumbs down. I was sad but decided to take a look for myself. And I saw something different....

a very faint positive line.

The second line was faint for sure but I've taken  A LOT of these tests and it's the first time since January that I've seen the second line at all. As long as my AF doesn't come in the next day or two I'm going to take another test on Friday to be sure and then call my doctor. Luckily, I have an appointment set for next week already.

As far as symptoms, I've been exhausted (took a nap today) and had tings of naseua throughout the day and generally just haven't felt that great. I hope this is the feelings of early pregnancy and not the beginning of being sick or a really bad period.

The other thing is the tears. I feel like something has made me emotional (like the thought of my grandma or a tv show).

Let's hope I wasn't seeing things!

It is a Roller Coaster

This month has been a roller coaster of emotions. From, getting my period early to it stopping suddenly and thinking it could mean I was pregnant, to go to the doctor and being told I might need medication to be told I hadn't ovulated to now being told I have.

This month, has been crazy. Apparently I am a late ovulater and so my first test on day 18 came back negative for ovulation. The news really upset me (especially since I had a positive OPK).  Luckily, my day 24 test came back positive for ovulation (even though at first the nurse didn't think I had).

While my doctor's office has been good, I don't think they always get the whole story and I find my research is what keeps me going. I knew that after a positive OPK I wouldn't ovulate for 24-36 hours and my progesterone wouldn't rise for another 4-5 days. Since I took the first test the day after my positive OPK there was no way to tell if I had ovulated yet.

I also know, that my last blood work being HCG negative doesnt mean I'm not pregnant. It was only 4-5 days after ovulation and it takes at least 6 to show up in bloodwork. I actually shouldn't have even been tested for HCG.

So, now I am still playing the waiting game. If my cycle stayed the same as last time I would have gotten my AF on Saturday, if it went up to 28 it would have come yesterday. The only thing I have so far is a white discharge. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but at the same time I know it could also mean I am pregnant. Tomorrow, I'll take my first test. If that's negative I'll try again on Friday.

Bad News.

Today my doctor's office called to let me know that I am not ovulating. It was not the news I had been wanting to hear. My progesterone went from .6 to 1.6 in a week. It needs to be a lot higher then that to ovulate.

The positive home ovulation test had totally changed my mood and given me such a bright spot of hope. The negative blood work has sunken me down to my dismal reality once again. It's brought on the tears the frustration and the jealousy. Why has my body decided to fail me now? Why did I think it was staying pregnant and not getting pregnant that was my problem. Is the the universe just laughing at me right now? Is it trying to prove me wrong?

Each month I plan things for the month ahead with the assumption that I'll be pregnant. It's only been 3 months since the miscarriage and 5 months since this journey started. I know it could be a lot longer.

When my doctor ordered all these tests and blood work she said, "my hope is we do all these tests and then rip them up because we don't need them"

You're telling me.

On the bright side my friend google just told me your progesterone doesn't go up until after you have ovulated. Since I got my LH surge the day before my blood work there is a chance it hadn't gone up enough yet... right???

I'm going to stay optimistic.. again.

Nothing Left To Do But Wait

Well, now the only thing left to do is wait. According to my last cycle my period should come on May 27th. But, since things have been so messed up I'm really not sure if that date is right. Plus, I ovulated late (I think) so now we start the two week wait.  I have some blood work scheduled for this week that MAY tell us something but chances are I'll need to wait until the 30th or sometime that week to take a test if I don't get my period before that.

Since, I'm pretty sure I ovulated this time, it's going to be really hard on me if I didn't get pregnant. Having it happen so quickly last time was such a blessing and a curse. I expect it to happen like that again. So far it hasn't but I'm hoping my body is back to normal now and I can go forward.

I admit I googled "how to increase success for implantation" today. It was a bunch of IVF sites. Something, that doesn't apply to me. Next week I need to stand strong and not google "early pregnancy signs'. I know by now that just about everything can be an early sign and that my body likes to play tricks on me.

So here's to waiting (and hoping).

Another Kind of Positive

Yesterday, we finally got a positive test. A positive ovulation test! My friend Amy had told me I'd know it was positive when I saw it and boy was she right!

The test was so reassuring. Last month I never saw one and so it felt good to finally have that little pee stick of confirmation. I still went for blood work today but I am fairly confident I am ovulating (just late in my cycle).

And while the positive test was exciting it's also put a little bit of a damper on things here. I of course want to BD all weekend to improve our chances but we've only had one successful time out of numerous attempts over the past few days. We can get started but just cant seem to finish. I've pulled out the lingerie, turned on music and done everything I can think of.

For years we've pretty much only had sex when my husband has come on to me. Now, that the tables are turned we are having some trouble achieving the end result we are looking for. I'm trying to be patient and I know he is starting to feel a little used and abused but today I actually got mad at him. Like, that I wasn't good enough, sexy enough or trying hard enough. The feeling sucked and we both left the conversation feeling deflated and beat down. It wasn't a good table.

Hopefully, things will turn soon. I'm thinking a day off and a bottle of wine might be just what we need...

Job

On January 8, 2013 I was let go from my job. On January 21, 2013 I found out I was pregnant. The timing seemed all too perfect. I always knew that when babies came along the job I had wouldn't be a good fit for our family (long travel hours, not great pay, limited vacation and no maternity leave). I also knew that I always wanted to have an "at home business"  and this would be the perfect time to start working on that. I'd have 9 months to ramp up and work from home before a little peanut came along. I didn't even bother looking for a job because I knew I didn't want to work in an office setting.

Well, here we are five months later and I still haven't applied for one job and there is no baby in the belly. That's not to say I don't work, I've been doing graphic design work on the side and making a little extra money doing that. If I can drum up enough business I fully intend on making it my full time career.

In some ways its been a good time not to be working though. I couldn't imagine having to take a week off after my d&c and explaining to my boss what happened. It's also made it easier to get in to doctor's appointments and schedule blood work.

In other ways it hasn't been so good. Some days I feel like researching pregnancy and ovulation cycles has become my job. I've become obsessed. I plan my day around when I can pee on another ovulation stick and google at least three things a day. If I was in an office I wouldn't be able to do this (or maybe I would--- but would probably get fired pretty quickly).

Yesterday, I was working on several graphic design projects and realized something -- this was the first day in a long time that I actually spent doing the work I am supposed to be doing. If I put half as much energy into this as I have researching and ready baby forums I might have half a shot at this whole graphic design thing. So this is my resolution. I am going to allow myself 15 30 minutes a day to focus on baby making. No more reading blogs and forums all day. I'm going to work on myself and my my business in a much healthier way.

What He Doesn't Know

For the most part, I try to be really open with my husband about trying to conceive.  I tell him most everything, but not everything.

I know he really wants to be part of the process but I think its also a little overwhelming to him. He wants to know if I take a pregnancy test and be there with me when I take it. I found this out when I was pregnant last time and took a HPT when he was at work. The test came back negative so I didn't say anything but he saw the box open and asked. That one negative test has actually fueled my need to take lots of tests and not believe negative ones. Which brings us to the things he doesn't know.

1. He doesn't know that I've taken 6 or 7 tests this month. He doesn't know I took one on Mother's Day because I hadn't heard from my doctor and thought it would be the most wonderful mother's day surprise.

2. He doesn't know that I ordered and started taking a fertility tea. I found it on amazon and figured it was worth a shot.

3. He doesn't know that many days I take multiple ovulation tests. Some days it's as many as three. I take them because I don't see the positive tests and I think it will change during the day.

4. He doesn't know about the breakdowns that still happen on a weekly basis. He knows I'm not 100% but he doesn't know that some days I just cry and cry. Like yesterday, I cried for hours.

5. He doesn't know that I've started this journal. This is an outlet for me and I like to be able to go through and re-read all the emotions I am feeling at a particular time.

He doesn't know these things because I am afraid he'll think I am crazy and tell me I need to relax. And I know he's right but right now I just don't want to hear it.

Mother's Day

Yesterday, was mother's day. In some ways it was a brutal reminder of what I am not and in other ways it was a good reminder that we haven't (at this point) been struggling with this for long.

Last year, mother's day was just another day to me. I wasn't longing to be a mother or worried about what was ahead. I was unaware of challenges and blissfully optimistic. I thought this was going to be a lot easier.

We are just in the beginning of this journey. This is the first month I'll be doing blood work and this is the first month that the worry of it may not be as fertile as I thought. I came across a post on another blog today about a "mama in waiting". She's been struggling for years and although our struggle has only been a few months (and of a different kind), I still relate.  And while the message of being thankful was really wonderful, I also related to this...

"Don't hesitate to invite us into your fun little baby-centric world, because sometimes, depending on the balance of hormones and the phase of the moon, we just may be all about it. We may be able to engage in hours of happy new-mom talk, analyzing sleep cycles and debating the merits of different brands of diapers. And we probably would love to hold your baby (and there's about a 95% chance we won't try to kidnap him). But try not to be offended on the days when we can't. Because sometimes we can't. And it doesn't mean we don't love you or your baby, it just means we can't do it. Love us anyway."

 Tonight, I am going to dinner with six girlfriend. Two have young kids, one is pregnant and another is baby obsessed. I know we'll talk about babies and kids. We always do. And while I used to be all about it, these past couple of weeks have been rough and I'm really not sure I can handle it.  I actually messaged a friend to see if she wouldn't mind helping to change the subject sometimes if it became all baby talk. My emotions have been so out of check recently, and I really don't trust myself not to break down. Hours of baby talk could result in another breakdown, Kind of like I am having right now.

Emotionally, I've been a wreck these past couple of weeks.  For awhile I was doing really well. not crying much and focusing on the future.  But since  the emotional roller coaster of starting my period, then not being sure it is my period, to going to the doctor to have an ultrasound of my empty uterus to starting the blood work, it's been a lot.

I know I am being impatient. I know I am being fragile. I know crying doesn't help anything. I know that next month all these tears could be for nothing. I know that this really might just be the beginning of the tears and frustrations.  But most of all I know I will be thankful when I can celebrate mother's day in a whole new way.

Sympathy Needed.

Today I went to the doctor and was told that besides a bacterial infection that everything looked fine. Which was a good thing but still doesn't explain the random period and cramps. It's still unclear if I'm ovulating either. Tests were ordered and a follow up appointment was made.

Physically, everything seems to be going okay. Emotionally, I was a wreck. Being surrounded by pregnant women can do that to you. First, I had to go to the ultrasound waiting area, where expectant mom's were handed photos of their babies. One women even told the doctor that walked by, "she was the most fertile person in the world." And while I pretty much held it together there, once back in the nurses station I started to cry. Being there was a lot to handle. I should have been there this week to find out the gender of the baby, not to check my empty uterus. I cried again when I was back with the doctor. The loss and hurt and was a lot to handle and the unexplained problems don't make anything better.

I texted my husband to let him know I had been crying and called him when the appt was over. I explained all the tests that had to be done and the blood I had to get drawn.  At times like this I crave his sympathy. Instead of sympathy he told me about the cute way a co-worker announced her pregnancy on facebook today.  That's great and all but does he realize, I'm not pregnant and how we announce it is pretty far down on our list to think about now? The other thing that upset me was that he didn't offer to cancel his lunch plans with a friend to come talk to me. He knew I had been upset, and am going through A LOT. In fact these past two weeks have been some of the most trying. I just wanted him to offer to cancel lunch. Just to show me he cared.

Of course, this is the same man who went on a guys trip 8 days after my d&c and when I texted him to tell him I was bleeding, he never answered. Now don't get me wrong, 95% of the time my husband is a loving and great guy. But the times he isn't is when he gets sucked in by his friends. I want him to be able to recognize when I need him without me telling him. I want him to sympathize with my pain, understand my worry and ease my fears. I want to feel less alone.

In many ways this whole ordeal has brought us closer together. I tell him more about what's going on with me then I ever have but  in other ways it's brought out one of the biggest faults in our relationship, a lack of compassion and an over loyalty to friends.

Scared.

Tomorrow I am going to the doctor. I've taken enough pregnancy tests to know I'm not pregnant but I can't help but to feel something is wrong.

I just feel it.

Hopefully it will be nothing, but I have cramping again and things just don't seem to feel like they should. I called my doctor's office today and  they want me to come in for an ultrasound. I really thought the next time I'd be getting one of those it would be for something else...

I know this is nothing to be scared of and its probably going to be something they will see from the ultrasound.

But then again if it something more serious (thanks google) I wonder how that will affect future plans.

Oh no. Im getting myself worked up.

Stop it.

All Consuming.

This morning I took another test and it came out negative. I'm giving it one more shot tomorrow and then I know I need to move on (tomorrow I'll test with first response, today it was the dollar store brand--- all these tests are getting expensive).

And while I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I'm not pregnant (you'd think after six negative tests I'd be coming around). I can't help but to feel something just isn't right. It's been 5 weeks since my last full period and I just don't feel like everything is in sync. First, the crazy short period, now its the super frequent urination (like 3 times before I've even had anything to drink) and now I have these weird cramps. They are almost like period cramps but lighter and lower.

My body is tricking me and my mind is consumed by it. I've done way too much googling, I've read way too many message boards. I can't stop thinking about it. Something just isn't adding up for me here and I want to figure it out.

Sunday is Mother's Day and I so desperately wanted to tell my mom I was pregnant again this weekend. It would be the best gift I could ever think of. Sadly, I don't think that will be the case.

In honor of mother's day, my friend sent me a poem from her church bulletin. And while I'm sad this won't be my "first mother's day". I have to start moving on and remembering that it will come...


The Wide Spectrum of Mothering

To those who gave birth this year to their first child
we celebrate with you

To those who lost a child this year
we mourn with you

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains
we appreciate you

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away
we mourn with you

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment
we walk with you.

Forgive us when we say foolish things.
We don’t mean to make this harder than it is

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms
we need you

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children
we celebrate with you

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children
we sit with you

To those who lost their mothers this year
we grieve with you

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother
we acknowledge your experience

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of
motherhood
we are better for having you in our midst

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children
we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be

To those who step parent
we walk with you on these complex paths

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren, yet that dream is not to be
we grieve with you

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year
we grieve and rejoice with you

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising
we anticipate with you

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you.

By Amy Young

A Glimmer...

On Friday, fuel was added to my crazy fire.

And a glimmer of hope was ignited.

On Friday, I called my OBGYN to ask the nurse about my irregular cycles. My last two periods post d&c were really really heavy. Like, crazy heavy with lots of cramps. On Tuesday night I started my period and by Thursday afternoon it had pretty much stopped. My period is usually 5-7 days long so this was really weird also, I had cramps before the bleeding but nothing the day of (which was really weird). So, I called the nurse to see if she thought I needed to come see the doctor. She asked me some questions and said it's either one of two things.

1. My cycle is really irregular since the miscarriage and this is just a product of that. If this continues next month she told me I'll need to come in to get a chemically started period.

and then the glimmer...

2. It could be implantation bleeding. Implantation bleeding = Pregnancy.

:)

She said that a pregnancy test wouldn't show up positive yet and to re-test in 3-4 days.  So, on Tuesday I'll re-test. I'm nervous and anxious all at once.  I want it so bad to be option two but I'm also trying to be realistic. I'm afraid I bled too much for it to by implantation bleeding and I did see a bit of fresh blood once (most of it was dark though).

My emotions have been on a roller-coaster and so I'm a little worried what I will feel like if it turns out this is just my period. I'm mentally preparing myself to see another negative. I really am, but now its going to be a really rough day if it is negative. I keep reminding myself the reasons why it probably will be negative. But I'm holding out hope to.

Maybe all our dreams will come true this month.

Four Negatives

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." 

Taking four pregnancy tests in one week (and getting a negative each time). Is pretty much when you know you are insane. I took my first one on friday before the the bachlorette party, another one on Monday when I was having terrible back pains and then two this morning after my period suddenly stopped after two days (damn google). The first test this morning was a cheap-o dollar store one so I decided it couldn't be trusted even though it read clear as day that it was negative. 

I'm not pregnant but every ache, stop of bleeding or nap in the middle of the day, makes me think I am. It's a cruel cruel joke I play on myself and I don't know what will make me stop thinking I am.  Even as I write this today I know I'll take another test on Tuesday before my fertility massage.  

With my husband out of town and having the four negative tests I'm loosing some of my drive. I want to eat junk food instead of kale and I want to lay in bed instead of going to yoga. I know eating healthy and exercising are good for the long run but for right now I can only think of how those things didn't matter and how laying in bed and being a slug just feels like a better option.  I don't even want to see friends at this point. Maybe because all my friends have kids or are pregnant. Maybe because I feel so alone and sad. 

When I was pregnant I looked and felt fantastic. I was finally doing what I was always meant to do and my body felt fulfilled. Now, that that feeling is gone, when I'm alone, I seem to lack any motivation what so ever. I'm having a pity party and I don't know how to stop it. I should be focusing on growing my business and relationships but all I can think about it what is not growing.

For the most part I hide it well, but I'm so angry, sad and well depressed. My tear ducts are in overload and my heart feels empty. The negative test(s) this week have only amplified it. I haven't cried this much in a long time (if ever). 

How do I move on? How can I feel I have a purpose once again? 

I know one way but since my body seems to have other ideas I need to find something else....

Happy Birthday to You

On my birthday one of my best friends told me she was pregnant. Three month's later, it's her birthday and she's still pregnant and I am not. For some reason, it's hitting me really really hard. Maybe it's because I thought April was going to be our month and that I too would be pregnant right now.

I'm so sad today. So, so sad. 

Sometimes I feel the only two emotions I have anymore are sadness and jealousy.  I'm jealous of friends with kids and REALLY jealous of friends that are pregnant. Today, I was on a college campus and couldn't help but to be jealous of the college girls, young, unafraid and not even thinking about the troubles that may lay ahead. I want to be that naive again.

I'm taking a lot of my frustrations out on my husband.  It's not his fault but I am having a hard time being nice to him. Maybe its because I want him to be more compassionate towards me. Or maybe I find that it's easiest to blame him.

I know that this is just the beginning and that once we are pregnant that things won't always go as planned and we will face other problems. I need to get over this "why me" attitude. I need to move on. And maybe I can't move on completely but today I need to stop being so sad, so jealous and so angry. Oh yeah, anger that's my other emotion.

Maybe May?

Well the optimism didn't work. My period is here and we didn't get pregnant last month.

A few years ago I remember telling my husband that I had a fear I'd have trouble getting pregnant. I think its a fear that most women have. And while I meant it when I said it, I don't think I actually believed it.

I never thought after five months I wouldn't be pregnant (or that I would get pregnant and loose it). So many people have told me that you are "so fertile" after a miscarriage.  It seems like the women I know all got pregnant the first month of trying after a miscarriage. Apparently that won't be the case for us. I'm having a really hard time coming to grips with that.  In my mind if we got pregnant in April I would still be pregnant for many of the things I had planned on being pregnant for. Which, for some dumb reason is so important to me. Maybe important is the wrong word, reassuring is probably a better one.  Reassuring that we aren't that far off our schedule and our plans ahead.

I've been really sad, my friends are all pregnant or have kids, and its the one thing I want but can't have right now. From the outside, we seem to have it all, nice cars, nice house, we've traveled all over, my husband has a great job and I'm starting a career of my own. But on the inside, we are hurting. I'm hurting a lot. Another month not being pregnant makes the hurt worse.

So, April wasn't our month but maybe May is.

May is.