What He Doesn't Know

For the most part, I try to be really open with my husband about trying to conceive.  I tell him most everything, but not everything.

I know he really wants to be part of the process but I think its also a little overwhelming to him. He wants to know if I take a pregnancy test and be there with me when I take it. I found this out when I was pregnant last time and took a HPT when he was at work. The test came back negative so I didn't say anything but he saw the box open and asked. That one negative test has actually fueled my need to take lots of tests and not believe negative ones. Which brings us to the things he doesn't know.

1. He doesn't know that I've taken 6 or 7 tests this month. He doesn't know I took one on Mother's Day because I hadn't heard from my doctor and thought it would be the most wonderful mother's day surprise.

2. He doesn't know that I ordered and started taking a fertility tea. I found it on amazon and figured it was worth a shot.

3. He doesn't know that many days I take multiple ovulation tests. Some days it's as many as three. I take them because I don't see the positive tests and I think it will change during the day.

4. He doesn't know about the breakdowns that still happen on a weekly basis. He knows I'm not 100% but he doesn't know that some days I just cry and cry. Like yesterday, I cried for hours.

5. He doesn't know that I've started this journal. This is an outlet for me and I like to be able to go through and re-read all the emotions I am feeling at a particular time.

He doesn't know these things because I am afraid he'll think I am crazy and tell me I need to relax. And I know he's right but right now I just don't want to hear it.