Mother's Day

Yesterday, was mother's day. In some ways it was a brutal reminder of what I am not and in other ways it was a good reminder that we haven't (at this point) been struggling with this for long.

Last year, mother's day was just another day to me. I wasn't longing to be a mother or worried about what was ahead. I was unaware of challenges and blissfully optimistic. I thought this was going to be a lot easier.

We are just in the beginning of this journey. This is the first month I'll be doing blood work and this is the first month that the worry of it may not be as fertile as I thought. I came across a post on another blog today about a "mama in waiting". She's been struggling for years and although our struggle has only been a few months (and of a different kind), I still relate.  And while the message of being thankful was really wonderful, I also related to this...

"Don't hesitate to invite us into your fun little baby-centric world, because sometimes, depending on the balance of hormones and the phase of the moon, we just may be all about it. We may be able to engage in hours of happy new-mom talk, analyzing sleep cycles and debating the merits of different brands of diapers. And we probably would love to hold your baby (and there's about a 95% chance we won't try to kidnap him). But try not to be offended on the days when we can't. Because sometimes we can't. And it doesn't mean we don't love you or your baby, it just means we can't do it. Love us anyway."

 Tonight, I am going to dinner with six girlfriend. Two have young kids, one is pregnant and another is baby obsessed. I know we'll talk about babies and kids. We always do. And while I used to be all about it, these past couple of weeks have been rough and I'm really not sure I can handle it.  I actually messaged a friend to see if she wouldn't mind helping to change the subject sometimes if it became all baby talk. My emotions have been so out of check recently, and I really don't trust myself not to break down. Hours of baby talk could result in another breakdown, Kind of like I am having right now.

Emotionally, I've been a wreck these past couple of weeks.  For awhile I was doing really well. not crying much and focusing on the future.  But since  the emotional roller coaster of starting my period, then not being sure it is my period, to going to the doctor to have an ultrasound of my empty uterus to starting the blood work, it's been a lot.

I know I am being impatient. I know I am being fragile. I know crying doesn't help anything. I know that next month all these tears could be for nothing. I know that this really might just be the beginning of the tears and frustrations.  But most of all I know I will be thankful when I can celebrate mother's day in a whole new way.