Sympathy Needed.

Today I went to the doctor and was told that besides a bacterial infection that everything looked fine. Which was a good thing but still doesn't explain the random period and cramps. It's still unclear if I'm ovulating either. Tests were ordered and a follow up appointment was made.

Physically, everything seems to be going okay. Emotionally, I was a wreck. Being surrounded by pregnant women can do that to you. First, I had to go to the ultrasound waiting area, where expectant mom's were handed photos of their babies. One women even told the doctor that walked by, "she was the most fertile person in the world." And while I pretty much held it together there, once back in the nurses station I started to cry. Being there was a lot to handle. I should have been there this week to find out the gender of the baby, not to check my empty uterus. I cried again when I was back with the doctor. The loss and hurt and was a lot to handle and the unexplained problems don't make anything better.

I texted my husband to let him know I had been crying and called him when the appt was over. I explained all the tests that had to be done and the blood I had to get drawn.  At times like this I crave his sympathy. Instead of sympathy he told me about the cute way a co-worker announced her pregnancy on facebook today.  That's great and all but does he realize, I'm not pregnant and how we announce it is pretty far down on our list to think about now? The other thing that upset me was that he didn't offer to cancel his lunch plans with a friend to come talk to me. He knew I had been upset, and am going through A LOT. In fact these past two weeks have been some of the most trying. I just wanted him to offer to cancel lunch. Just to show me he cared.

Of course, this is the same man who went on a guys trip 8 days after my d&c and when I texted him to tell him I was bleeding, he never answered. Now don't get me wrong, 95% of the time my husband is a loving and great guy. But the times he isn't is when he gets sucked in by his friends. I want him to be able to recognize when I need him without me telling him. I want him to sympathize with my pain, understand my worry and ease my fears. I want to feel less alone.

In many ways this whole ordeal has brought us closer together. I tell him more about what's going on with me then I ever have but  in other ways it's brought out one of the biggest faults in our relationship, a lack of compassion and an over loyalty to friends.