Maybe May?

Well the optimism didn't work. My period is here and we didn't get pregnant last month.

A few years ago I remember telling my husband that I had a fear I'd have trouble getting pregnant. I think its a fear that most women have. And while I meant it when I said it, I don't think I actually believed it.

I never thought after five months I wouldn't be pregnant (or that I would get pregnant and loose it). So many people have told me that you are "so fertile" after a miscarriage.  It seems like the women I know all got pregnant the first month of trying after a miscarriage. Apparently that won't be the case for us. I'm having a really hard time coming to grips with that.  In my mind if we got pregnant in April I would still be pregnant for many of the things I had planned on being pregnant for. Which, for some dumb reason is so important to me. Maybe important is the wrong word, reassuring is probably a better one.  Reassuring that we aren't that far off our schedule and our plans ahead.

I've been really sad, my friends are all pregnant or have kids, and its the one thing I want but can't have right now. From the outside, we seem to have it all, nice cars, nice house, we've traveled all over, my husband has a great job and I'm starting a career of my own. But on the inside, we are hurting. I'm hurting a lot. Another month not being pregnant makes the hurt worse.

So, April wasn't our month but maybe May is.

May is.