Google it.

I've once again convinced myself that I am pregnant even though all the signs are pointing otherwise. On Friday I thought there was a good chance I was a pregnant, I took a test and it came out negative. Cramping and a sore back had me once again thinking I was pregnant on Monday, so I took another test and it was negative. Today, I have the same cramping but it's accompanied by a light brown discharge. Which means my period is probably about to start. When I first noticed the brown discharge, I started to ball.

I thought this was going to be month. April was supposed to be our month.

And while I know two negative tests and a brown discharge means this probably isn't our month, I did something I shouldn't have done and googled, "light brown discharge". Just like most things in life, a light brown discharge could mean early pregnancy.  But then again just about everything could mean early pregnancy. The amount of symptoms you can google and think you are pregnant are crazy.

I have a tendency to google everything. It's a bad habit. When I was pregnant last time I googled every little thing. Mostly things like why I was peeing so much, or why I was so cold all the time. Of course I got a range of answers, most of the time the answer was, "everything should be fine" to the occasional "it could be a sign of a miscarriage".  Reading those I didn't believe that it was the later and now I'd give anything to have the brown discharge mean I am pregnant.

Being pregnant before I remember a lot of things that felt and happened before, the feeling like I was always about to start my period (check), the white vaginal discharge (check) and the frequent urination (check). Right now, Im trying to stay optimistic, I keep telling myself I can cry when I see the blood. But until then I need to be thinking positive. I need to be thinking that I will be pregnant at my brother's wedding at the end of may, I'll be telling people at the wedding in Jackson Hole and sporting a new bump at the Santa Barbara wedding at the in end of July.  It's silly things to think about but its the only thing that gets me through these days.

If my period does start tomorrow, I need to remember to stay optimistic then too. We will be pregnant someday. Hopefully that day is just sooner then later.