This morning I took a pregnancy test and it came back negative. Of course, I had once again convinced myself that it was going to be positive. Yesterday, I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, my back still hurts and the frequent peeing seems to be back. I should know by know that these are head games I play with myself but I thought this was going to be different.
This weekend I am hosting a bachlorette party and I in my head I had the email constructed to all my friends before the wedding in July telling them "I found out the morning of the party" and that I "hid it so well". I was already thinking of the non-alcoholic beers and club sodas I would be ordering. I got ahead of myself.
I promised my husband that when I took the test if it came back negative I wouldn't be upset. But, Im crying right now (but luckily he is already at work). Seeing the negative brings back a flood of emotions of what I loss and what's not there yet.
I'm trying to stay optimistic that this will in fact be "the month". On the positive side of thinking last time I took a test on Tuesday and it was negative and by Sunday it was positive. So, it could just be too early (my cycle is so out of whack that who knows when my next period will be). On the negative I'm not even sure I'm ovulating. I've taken 14 ovulation tests and none of them come back looking like I have ovulated. We've decided to hold off using them for awhile and just do it the old fashion way. Talk to me in a few months (if I'm not preggo) and see if I feel the same way.
This weekend is going to be real interesting for me. Only one girl out of the 10 going know about the miscarriage. Babies often are the topic of conversation with friends but I'm hoping it doesn't come up too much. I need to remember that alcohol makes me emotion and given my emotional state this morning I need to be careful of that. Plus, I could be pregnant..... right?
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