Lucky You

Yesterday I was reading through my google reader and noticed a blog title "party of three". I could guess what this meant but decided to click on it anyway.

It was the usual "yay we are having a baby" but this one line really rubbed me the wrong way...

We decided in January that we wanted to start a family and, just weeks later, found out I was pregnant! Honestly, we were a little surprised (but a LOT happy) that it happened so quickly. Stephen jokes that it’s because we are classic over achievers :)

 

Decided in January and then pregnant right away. If only we can all be so lucky.  I guess the "we are classic overachievers" is what got me. Like, I'm just always doing better than everyone and this is what it happened to me. We planned for six months and I still misscarried. In another post she told the world they found out on February 12, which is right around the time our baby stopped growing. Ouch, that hurt.

 

I have a friend who has told me multiple times that they "got pregnant the first month of trying". I know she's proud that her child came easily and luckily she hasn't said this to me post m/c. Even if you do get pregnant in one month isn't their some kind of girl code that you don't talk about it? I mean you never know what the person you are telling this to has gone through and how crappy it might make them feel. 

 

Yesterday, marked one month that I found out about the m/c, tomorrow is one month since the d&c. A whole month has passed and my life has changed. Luckily, I feel a 1000x better then I did one month ago (which isn't saying much considering the deep dark hole I was in). 

Right now, I'm at a place where I look forward to being pregnant again but dread the pregnancy announcements that will come while I wait for that to happen.

The Way I Think

Last night I started to realize that I have an almost sick way of thinking. Sometimes its almost as if I think I'm still pregnant or that I "know" I'll be pregnant in April/May so I've planning ahead for that. Sure, we got pregnant really quickly the first time but there is no gaureentee that will happen again.

This realization came when I saw an e-mail for Gap advertising 30% off. While I looked at the regular clothes first. I found myself quickly at the maternity section (pre m/c I almost ordered a ton of clothes from there).  And while the shorts didn't seem very logical to buy, I  contemplated ordering sweaters and long sleeve shirts from the sale section, because "I will be pregnant then." Now, I can't decide if this is a good optimistic way to think, or another way to surely drive myself crazy.

Another thing that's been weighing on my mind is the next round of Facebook "we're expecting" posts that will be for September/October babies. Is it weird that I dread seeing those? This weekend I'm going to visit a friend who just had a baby and staying with another one who I know has been thinking about trying. Part of me in anxious and fearful that the one friend will tell me she's expecting. And while I'll be happy for her. I'm more fearful for how I will react. She's a crier and so am I, so maybe I can pass of my tears of grief for tears of joy?

Then again, maybe she will have noting to share I'm just building this up in my head. Because that's what I do and that's the crazy way I think.

Why Me?

This morning, I was lying in bed with my hand over my stomach and started to think about something my dad said to me right after I found out I had misscarried, he said to me, "don't go try to figuring out why this happened to you and it didn't happen to someone else".

But, that's really hard to do. In the past year two of my friends have had "oops babies". One was married, the other not. Neither, of them were ready to start a family but decided to take on the challenge anyways. It's awful but sometimes I wonder, why were they both able to deliver healthy baby boys and I wasn't? What makes them different or special?

Yesterday, I was working on a birth announcement for one of these "oops baby friends" and she told me she was having a rough day. Her baby wasn't eating well and she had started to bleed again after walking a 5K the night before. I told her I hoped the baby got better but the bleeding, all I wanted to say (but didn't) was "at least you have a beautiful baby to show for it".  She has no idea about what happened to me and that I'm still bleeding too, but for a completely different reason.

Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day which means my Facebook feed will be full of friends babies dressed in green. Some of these friends I know had miscarriages or a difficult time getting pregnant, but for many of them, "it just happened". I always thought I'd be one of those "it just happened to". I got pregnant quickly, my mom had gotten pregnant quickly and my husbands mom, was one of those who had "oops babies". No miscarriages, no problems. Last week would have been 12 weeks which means this weekend, we could have started to tell people why I had been avoiding parties or turning down that mimosa the past few weeks.

Today, I guess I'm going to have to show my face again, and just have a damn beer but while I'll drink that beer, I would give anything to be one those that couldn't drink.  I can't wait for the day I politely turn it down again. And since very few people know about this maybe one day they will look at me and think "it just happened".

The Crazy Mouse

This blog, The Crazy Mouse, is my personal journal that I just happen to be writing for anyone that wants to see. In all honestly I don't care if anyone ever reads this but if you find it, start reading and it helps you then I welcome you to stay and keep reading.

Why Crazy Mouse? Because life is a roller coaster (and I didn't want to name this The Beast or White Cyclone). This roller coaster that I am currently on started about two weeks ago (well 12 if we want to get technical). 

On January 21, 2013 after years of talking about it and months of preparing, my husband and I got the greatest news ever, we were pregnant. We told my parents that afternoon and from that point on babies was all we talked and thought about. I got my husband books to read, I took my prenatal everyday, ate what I was supposed to, walked everyday and did everything I thought I could to ensure a successful pregnancy. Well, in the end none of that mattered because on February 26, 2013 I became a member of that club that no one wants to be part of. I found out I had misscarried.

Even writing that now... " I misscarried" brings back a flood of emotions, images of waiting in the doctors office with my husband holding my hand as the ultrasound tech told us she couldn't find a heartbeat, bring tears to my eyes. These tears are just one of many I've shed over the past two weeks, and at this point I've almost become immune to them, which is exactly why I starting writing.

Someday, I know I'll have a successful pregnancy, Someday, I'll go in for my 10 week appointment and see that heartbeat and a baby that is measuring exactly as it should, instead of one that it stopped growing and living two weeks before. Someday, my sleepless nights will be because of that baby that did grow, instead of the one that didn't.

So, here I am on the roller coaster of life, Just trying to take it one day at a time.