Last night I started to realize that I have an almost sick way of thinking. Sometimes its almost as if I think I'm still pregnant or that I "know" I'll be pregnant in April/May so I've planning ahead for that. Sure, we got pregnant really quickly the first time but there is no gaureentee that will happen again.
This realization came when I saw an e-mail for Gap advertising 30% off. While I looked at the regular clothes first. I found myself quickly at the maternity section (pre m/c I almost ordered a ton of clothes from there). And while the shorts didn't seem very logical to buy, I contemplated ordering sweaters and long sleeve shirts from the sale section, because "I will be pregnant then." Now, I can't decide if this is a good optimistic way to think, or another way to surely drive myself crazy.
Another thing that's been weighing on my mind is the next round of Facebook "we're expecting" posts that will be for September/October babies. Is it weird that I dread seeing those? This weekend I'm going to visit a friend who just had a baby and staying with another one who I know has been thinking about trying. Part of me in anxious and fearful that the one friend will tell me she's expecting. And while I'll be happy for her. I'm more fearful for how I will react. She's a crier and so am I, so maybe I can pass of my tears of grief for tears of joy?
Then again, maybe she will have noting to share I'm just building this up in my head. Because that's what I do and that's the crazy way I think.
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