Why Me?

This morning, I was lying in bed with my hand over my stomach and started to think about something my dad said to me right after I found out I had misscarried, he said to me, "don't go try to figuring out why this happened to you and it didn't happen to someone else".

But, that's really hard to do. In the past year two of my friends have had "oops babies". One was married, the other not. Neither, of them were ready to start a family but decided to take on the challenge anyways. It's awful but sometimes I wonder, why were they both able to deliver healthy baby boys and I wasn't? What makes them different or special?

Yesterday, I was working on a birth announcement for one of these "oops baby friends" and she told me she was having a rough day. Her baby wasn't eating well and she had started to bleed again after walking a 5K the night before. I told her I hoped the baby got better but the bleeding, all I wanted to say (but didn't) was "at least you have a beautiful baby to show for it".  She has no idea about what happened to me and that I'm still bleeding too, but for a completely different reason.

Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day which means my Facebook feed will be full of friends babies dressed in green. Some of these friends I know had miscarriages or a difficult time getting pregnant, but for many of them, "it just happened". I always thought I'd be one of those "it just happened to". I got pregnant quickly, my mom had gotten pregnant quickly and my husbands mom, was one of those who had "oops babies". No miscarriages, no problems. Last week would have been 12 weeks which means this weekend, we could have started to tell people why I had been avoiding parties or turning down that mimosa the past few weeks.

Today, I guess I'm going to have to show my face again, and just have a damn beer but while I'll drink that beer, I would give anything to be one those that couldn't drink.  I can't wait for the day I politely turn it down again. And since very few people know about this maybe one day they will look at me and think "it just happened".