Jealousy

This week I found out about three friends due in October/November. Some are closer friends then others but each one stung just a little bit more.

We have a lot of events coming up this spring and summer, and I measured all of them by how far along I would be. A wedding this weekend would have been a great time to share with my college friends, the trip to the Dominican would have marked 17 weeks and meant I could have gone to the spa for prenatal treatments, I was worried about fitting into my dress at my brothers wedding in San Fransisco at 22 weeks (but excited we'd know the gender by then), had no idea how I'd find a black tie dress for the Jackson Hole wedding at 28 weeks, and unsure if my doctor would even let me go to another wedding in Santa Barbara at 30 weeks.

These worries of what will it fit and can I go are long gone now. But, I still ache for those worries. As friends around  me announce pregnancies I can't help but think and compare to how far along I would have been now, or whose baby would have been older. I've tried to explain it to my husband but it's hard for him to understand. I'm happy for my friends but I'm jealous, so very very jealous. I want what they have but there isn't a darn thing I can do about it.

When I was at my neighbors the other night, she asked if I had trouble getting pregnant, and I told her it took us two months (the first we actually had no idea about timing but I didn't tell her that) and she said something I would have never expected, "I'm so jealous of you."

 Jealous?

Of me?

Me, who didn't know I had miscarried for two weeks and bled for 9 days straight? Me, who had the one thing I ever wanted more then anything in the world ripped away in a second? You are jealous of that? She clarified a little but still, I get it. I'm jealous she was able to stay pregnant with her one year old and she's jealous I was able to get pregnant so easily.  Hopefully I can master that staying pregnant part soon too.

As women, we all get jealous. From material things to things we have no control over (like getting and staying pregnant).

Someday,  I know this jealously will be gone and I'll once again be able to measure dates by how far along I am and then by how old a child will be. Here's to hoping that first measurement will be 7 weeks for the San Fransisco wedding (and this time I know my dress will fit).