All Consuming.

This morning I took another test and it came out negative. I'm giving it one more shot tomorrow and then I know I need to move on (tomorrow I'll test with first response, today it was the dollar store brand--- all these tests are getting expensive).

And while I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I'm not pregnant (you'd think after six negative tests I'd be coming around). I can't help but to feel something just isn't right. It's been 5 weeks since my last full period and I just don't feel like everything is in sync. First, the crazy short period, now its the super frequent urination (like 3 times before I've even had anything to drink) and now I have these weird cramps. They are almost like period cramps but lighter and lower.

My body is tricking me and my mind is consumed by it. I've done way too much googling, I've read way too many message boards. I can't stop thinking about it. Something just isn't adding up for me here and I want to figure it out.

Sunday is Mother's Day and I so desperately wanted to tell my mom I was pregnant again this weekend. It would be the best gift I could ever think of. Sadly, I don't think that will be the case.

In honor of mother's day, my friend sent me a poem from her church bulletin. And while I'm sad this won't be my "first mother's day". I have to start moving on and remembering that it will come...


The Wide Spectrum of Mothering

To those who gave birth this year to their first child
we celebrate with you

To those who lost a child this year
we mourn with you

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains
we appreciate you

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away
we mourn with you

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment
we walk with you.

Forgive us when we say foolish things.
We don’t mean to make this harder than it is

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms
we need you

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children
we celebrate with you

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children
we sit with you

To those who lost their mothers this year
we grieve with you

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother
we acknowledge your experience

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of
motherhood
we are better for having you in our midst

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children
we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be

To those who step parent
we walk with you on these complex paths

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren, yet that dream is not to be
we grieve with you

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year
we grieve and rejoice with you

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising
we anticipate with you

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you.

By Amy Young