Four Negatives

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." 

Taking four pregnancy tests in one week (and getting a negative each time). Is pretty much when you know you are insane. I took my first one on friday before the the bachlorette party, another one on Monday when I was having terrible back pains and then two this morning after my period suddenly stopped after two days (damn google). The first test this morning was a cheap-o dollar store one so I decided it couldn't be trusted even though it read clear as day that it was negative. 

I'm not pregnant but every ache, stop of bleeding or nap in the middle of the day, makes me think I am. It's a cruel cruel joke I play on myself and I don't know what will make me stop thinking I am.  Even as I write this today I know I'll take another test on Tuesday before my fertility massage.  

With my husband out of town and having the four negative tests I'm loosing some of my drive. I want to eat junk food instead of kale and I want to lay in bed instead of going to yoga. I know eating healthy and exercising are good for the long run but for right now I can only think of how those things didn't matter and how laying in bed and being a slug just feels like a better option.  I don't even want to see friends at this point. Maybe because all my friends have kids or are pregnant. Maybe because I feel so alone and sad. 

When I was pregnant I looked and felt fantastic. I was finally doing what I was always meant to do and my body felt fulfilled. Now, that that feeling is gone, when I'm alone, I seem to lack any motivation what so ever. I'm having a pity party and I don't know how to stop it. I should be focusing on growing my business and relationships but all I can think about it what is not growing.

For the most part I hide it well, but I'm so angry, sad and well depressed. My tear ducts are in overload and my heart feels empty. The negative test(s) this week have only amplified it. I haven't cried this much in a long time (if ever). 

How do I move on? How can I feel I have a purpose once again? 

I know one way but since my body seems to have other ideas I need to find something else....