Nerves

Yesterday, I went and had my blood drawn, tomorrow I go again to see if the numbers doubled. Even though the test lines were much darker this time, the fear of if not being a viable pregnancy are still haunting me. Until recently, I never knew that this is something I had to worry about. I thought you took a test, it came back positive and 9 months later you have a baby.

I've been proved wrong on that twice now.

I know it wouldn't matter and I need to be patient, but I am so tempted to call my doctor to see what my hcg and progesterone number was yesterday. Last time, my first draw was a 17 and my second was a 13.

I need to remind myself that I need to stop thinking about last time. Or the time before that. This is a new pregnancy and a new life. What happened before shouldn't matter.

Tomorrow afternoon, I hope I can breathe a little sigh of relief, as long as the numbers come back like they are supposed to. Then on to the ultasounds.  I don't think I'll stop being nervous until I have a baby in my arms (and then it will be a new type of nerves). Even Eric said that's how he feels. He can be Mr. Optimism, but our history can make even him nervous.

I don't know if I could handle a third loss in a year. Well, I am sure I could handle it but I would be a mess. Something seemed slightly off from the beginning in the June pregnancy so I am trying to not even count that one. I didn't get as emotionally attached that time. I'm trying to hold off the emotions on this one until I hear my numbers, but I can't help myself.  Maybe it's because I know that if something happens this time, we will start to do testing, and that's scary. I also know that if something happens we need to take a few months off. This is emotionally exhausting a draining.  

Breathe. Just Breathe. Everything will be okay.